Dare to Stand Alone

by | Aug 12, 2019 | 2nd Half of Life, CEO Coaching

With all of the outside influences in our lives, sometimes it's incredibly hard to simply be yourself. I recently read Dare to Lead by Brene Brown, which has now become my favorite book on leadership. While there is so much wisdom to share from it (and I probably will in future posts), one part stood out the most. It’s by far the scariest concept. I found that before in one of her other books “Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone.”
 
The tough concept is in the title, which means that in order to have authentic connection with others. You must be open to the possibility of being rejected.
 
 

We're Hard-Wired for Connection

 
This is probably the most terrifying and truest thing I’ve ever read. While it’s easy to say, “this is what I think or feel, and I don’t care what other people think.” We are actually hard-wired to connect with others. As social animals, it’s in our evolution to get along with one another so that we don't cast out from the tribe.
 
While today’s context and modern culture have changed significantly, we are simply not built to live alone out in the wild from a sheer biological standpoint. (Even if you call yourself completely independent, other people built the place you live in, produced the things in your pantry, built the car you drive…but I digress).
 
 

Your Core Values

Being different can be a scary thing.

When we “stand alone,” we are connecting with and acting in line with our core values. Your core values influence all aspects of what you do. Typically when we regret a certain action, it’s because we didn’t stick with our core value. And we didn’t take the risk of standing alone.

While living our core values is crucial to living a complete and fulfilling life, standing alone is not in our nature. So the fear of disconnecting with others is a real one. So what happens when your family, your circle of friends or your colleagues are acting or speaking against your inner-most values? 

 
You either go along, or you speak up. Going along with the herd is the easy part. Speaking up, with the possibility of being criticized, attacked or outcast by the people closest to you – THAT’S hard.
 
 

The Paradox

 
Therein lies the paradox: we think we are connecting with others when we let our values slide in order to get along with everyone. When, in reality, we are spending time with lots of people, but feeling disconnected. Just when we go against our own values to avoid potential conflict, we are not connecting, we are people-pleasing.
 
When you stand up for your core values, those who stay connected with you are the ones that matter. They may not agree with you all the time – that’s not what this is about. They value the connection they have with you and respect you for being you.
 
Read Dare to Lead to see how this plays out. And how to communicate in conversations that mustn’t be avoided in order to live a “daring” life.
 
How would your life be different if you did not compromise your values in order to get along?
 
Unclear on your values? Here’s an exercise.
 
 
p.s. - Do you want to live more in line with who you are? Book a free trial session and we'll see if we're a fit for working together.
Paul Strobl, MBA, CPC

Paul Strobl, MBA, CPC

Owner of Confide Coaching, LLC

Paul Strobl is a Personal Coach for Founders and Executives navigating the space between what they've built and what comes next. Native Texan. Ten years in Argentina. Now based in the Rhodope Mountains of Bulgaria with his wife, adopted son, and a rescued Posavac Hound.

An Anthropology degree sparked a lifelong fascination with why people do what they do. A Thunderbird MBA and twenty years of private coaching later — he works one-on-one, by phone, with a small number of clients worldwide.