Victimhood thinking is sometimes appropriate in the short-term, but can be extremely unhelpful in the long-term.
Have you ever met someone for the first time and they tell you about a tragedy they had suffered in the first few minutes of conversation? Chances are, you definitely didn’t envy that person and you felt pretty uncomfortable. But you still said the nicest, most soothing words you could think of even though you hardly knew the person.
When someone is stuck in a victim way of thinking, they are constantly looking for people to agree with them or to give them sympathy.
Victimhood and Lacking Control
When you complain, you are being a victim.
Here’s a hard piece of truth: we all act like victims. When we complain, we are a victim of that person or that circumstance. When we complain, we feel like we’re not driving, we’re not in control. So we look for people to agree with us, or to give us sympathy.
When you are complaining, you are afraid. You are threatened. You have to defend or justify your point of view or way of living or actions you’ve taken or who you are. In a serious situation, humans need validation. It is a time that support groups really help.
We need someone to say “I get it” or “I’ve been there.” But if you never move past getting validation, you are “wearing” your victimhood.
Alter Your Victim Story
The more you repeat a story, the more “true” it becomes to you. It builds strength every time it is repeated.
How can you alter your stories about painful situations? Sometimes a few word changes can make a huge difference. If you are carrying around a particularly painful situation from your past: how long has it been? How long will you continue to wear it?
After a long enough time, it doesn’t look like it fits anymore. Other people can see this—it’s time to put on something new.
If you were to let go of that victimhood, what could you become? When you complain, what’s the benefit? When you agree with someone else’s complaining (or mutual victimhood), what are you getting out of it?
Paul Strobl, MBA, CPC
Owner of Confide Coaching, LLC
Paul is a Master Life Coach for GenX and GenY executives and business owners. Originally from Houston, Texas, he has been location independent for most of his adult life. He currently resides in the Rhodope Mountains of Bulgaria near the Greek border with his brilliant wife, 13-year-old stepson (officially adopted in 2021!) and a Posavac Hound rescue.
