How Do You Deal with Difficult Parents?

Not everyone has to deal with difficult parents because not all parents are the same.

“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

— Ram Dass

Relating to others is perhaps the biggest part of human existence. Whether it’s romantic, family, friendship or at work, we somehow unknowingly impose our own ideas of how that person SHOULD be in order to adequately fulfill our needs and expectations.

If you see that you are guilty of this sometimes, read on. If you don’t think you are doing this, I’m very impressed that your Himalayan monastery has good WiFi so you can read this.

This idea that someone should be different than how they actually are is most common in the members of our family, and more specifically, our parents. You might have to deal with difficult parents but that’s how it is.

It All Starts with You

And, just like any improvement in a relationship, it starts with you. Why? Because your response to different situations is the only thing you have control over. As Byron Katie would put it, “Peace doesn’t require two people; it only requires one. It has to be you.”

For the following exercise, we’ll use the big one. The one that Sigmund Freud always asked about so he could know about the flaws and dysfunctions that you are hiding from the world. Yep, you guessed it, let’s talk about Mom.

The exercise is designed to see whether you are seeing dear Mother in a realistic way that will bring more peace into your life, or you’re seeing her in a way that is causing conflict. (You can do this with any relationship in your life, BTW!)

Here We Go: The Exercise

Take out a sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle making two columns.  At the top of the left column, write the word “Mother.”

June Cleaver represents the iconic mother we all wish we had

Now contemplate the word “mother.”  What images or qualities come to mind? List what comes up for you. Common responses are nurturing, good listener, caretaker, loving, affectionate, welcoming.  Images of chocolate chip cookies and a smiling June Cleaver. Once you have a good list of at least 5 descriptive words or images, then move to the next column.

At the top of this column, write the words “My Mother.” Now write all of the descriptive words that appear in your head. Some may be the same words, but others may be the complete opposite. Maybe thoughts about your mother are “judgmental, aloof, independent, self-absorbed, bad communicator, anxious.” (Author’s Note: these are examples, and none of the negative qualities describe Paul’s mom!)

When you feel hurt, angry or frustrated with your mother, it usually comes from some quality falling short of the list on the left.

The Comparison

Have a look at the two lists. Where did the list on the left come from? How close is it to reality?

Is it fair to compare these two lists?  Would you want to be compared to the list on the left?

This is what we do when we have to deal with difficult parents. We compare our family members to some cultural ideal, Hollywood or Disney description that would be nearly impossible to fulfill for any mere mortal. You get disappointed in your parents when they don’t embody a set of imaginary qualities that you made up.

The Cause of Your Disappointment

The list on the left is fantasy, and the list on the right, is a list of qualities that a real human possesses.

When you believe the fantasy list, you are perpetually shocked and disappointed by the behavior of this person who is supposed to be so sensitive, compassionate and caring.

When you believe the list on the right, you are not surprised or stunned by your mother’s imperfect behavior…or that she burned the chocolate chip cookies because she was caught up watching Reality TV.

Kill the Fantasy

The key here is to kill the unicorn. The fantasy must die. When this happens, it can sometimes feel like a real death that you need to mourn.

Kill the unicorn! The fantasy must die!

She will never be that perfect person – she’s human. And you’re human. And when we see each other as humans, as imperfect beings, we can move our relationships closer to reality.

When we have that, we have a more peaceful human experience. Who couldn’t use more peace?

Do you have difficulty in your relationships? Perhaps I can shine some light on where the issue is. Book a free trial session in my calendar.