How You’re Doing Gratitude Wrong

[TRANSCRIPT]:

Today I want to talk about gratitude. I want to have a conversation about gratitude, and the reason I want to talk about this isn’t simply because it’s something that works to make us happier.

But I think a lot of information out there is–well, we’re doing it wrong! [laughs] And what I mean by that is, that yes, it helps to write down the things that are good in your life and to focus on those, and yes, that does make you happier.

But there’s two parts that I think are missing for most people.

Go Deeper in Gratitude

One of them is, according to the research, is we don’t go deep enough. So, when something is good in our life and you just write a list every night and reflect on it, that’s good, but go a little further.

What is it about this thing that I really like? Why am I happy that it’s in my life? And write a few things and go deeper, and that depth really helps to get to an even better level of happiness-when you recognize the things that are good.

Be Grateful for Everything

The other part, which is a lot more difficult, is being grateful for everything. Being grateful for the good things and the things we label as bad things. The reason we miss it is because something unexpected happens, and you’re no too happy about it.

But here’s my question for you. How many times in your life have you had something really bad–something really unexpected that wasn’t good at all, but it put you on a path toward things that you really wanted? It helped you to value things in your life?

Watch this short video to start writing your own gratitude journal.

Death is the Greatest Teacher

A personal experience for me–people who know me have heard me say that death is the greatest teacher, and I believe that. Whether it’s our own potential death and contemplating our own mortality, or somebody close to us passing away, it can be an extremely helpful experience. Even though it’s painful, it can be very helpful to make us think of things in a new way.

My Epiphany

And my big life change was when I was in a corporate job, working 80 hours per week, didn’t take vacation for 4 years, and I was 85 pounds overweight. I got a phone call one day to learn that my brother had shot himself. This single worst experience of my life, is also the best thing that ever happened to me. Because it woke me up.

So the thing that came to mind when I talked about being grateful for bad things, how bad was it? How do you know what’s going to happen in the future? Can you know that this horrible thing that you’re experiencing right now isn’t going to bring something really beautiful out of it? How can you know? You can’t know.

The Story of the Chinese Farmer

I really like Alan Watts – he has a story he tells of the Chinese farmer. The story of the Chinese farmer goes like this:

There’s this farmer, in China–go figure, huh? [laughs] and one day his horse runs away. All the townspeople say “ooh, that’s horrible, that’s really bad news, we’re really sorry that happened-that’s really horrible, isn’t it?”

The Chinese farmer says, “Maybe.“

A few days later, his horse comes back with 5 other wild horses, so he corrals them and now he has six horses. The townspeople say, “Wow, what great fortune! That’s really a great thing that happened, isn’t it?”

The army couldn’t take the farmer’s son because he had a broken leg.

This Chinese farmer replies, “Maybe.”

Then the next day, the farmer’s son was taming one of the horses and he’s thrown off and breaks his leg. Neighbors and townspeople said, “Aw, that’s really awful what happened to your son – we’re really sorry it happened. It’s a horrible thing, isn’t it?”

And the farmer says, “Maybe.”

Then the government comes because there’s a war campaign against another country, but they don’t take his son because he has a broken leg. Everyone in the town says “Wow, what tremendous fortune that with all of these things that have happened, you’re son wasn’t taken – that’s great news, isn’t it?”

And the Chinese farmer says, “Maybe.”

So you get where this is going. We don’t know whether anything that happens is good or bad, because we don’t know how it’s going to play out.

Gratefully Re-Framing 2020

2020 was hard for lots of us, but do you know where the events will take you?

So looking back at this year; looking back at 2020, there’s memes all over the internet about how horrible the year was, and it’s a dumpster fire, or whatever you want to call it. How do we know that this experience of 2020 isn’t going to bring us a lot of good things?

When I look at my life personally, I see my son becoming very independent – he’s able to do his class work with very little intervention, and we’re connecting more – we have more time together.

We can see how much we value being social and going out and having a drink — just being able to be with people we care about; I think we value it much more because it was taken away from us.

Express Gratitude for the Negative

Find the negative things in your life – the things you look back and think “that was such a horrible, hurtful or painful experience,” and find what you’re grateful for about the things.

If you’re able to do that, if you’re able to re-frame and see that even the bad things in your life bring gifts, then there’s nothing to fear about what happens in the future. When you know that everything’s going to work itself out, and there is no good or bad because we can’t know, it’s a lot more peaceful existence.

p.s. – What’s in the way of your living your best life? Book a FREE trial session and let’s have a chat.