Mentor Mindset for Parents and Leaders: The Science of Motivating

Motivating young people is a challenge many parents and leaders face daily. Whether you’re striving to inspire your children or engage young employees, the question of how to effectively foster motivation can be frustrating and overwhelming. As a parent of a teenager and a life coach, I’ve personally navigated this complex journey filled with trials, errors, and the constant search for strategies that truly resonate with young minds.

David Yeager’s book, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People, profoundly resonated with me by shedding light on this common struggle. Yeager identifies three mindsets adults often adopt when guiding young people: the Enforcer, the Protector, and the Mentor. The Enforcer emphasizes strict expectations without offering necessary support, while the Protector provides support but avoids challenging growth. Both approaches, though well-intentioned, often fall short of truly motivating and empowering young individuals.

The Mentor Mindset, however, strikes the crucial balance between setting high expectations and providing ample support. This approach fosters resilience, promotes a growth-oriented view of challenges, and helps young people harness stress as a tool for success. By embracing the Mentor Mindset, we can better equip ourselves to inspire and empower the next generation.

Nevertheless, understanding these mindsets is just the beginning. To truly make a positive impact, it’s essential to recognize which mindset we’re currently adopting and how it affects the young people we aim to motivate. By exploring each mindset in depth—the Enforcer, the Protector, and ultimately, the Mentor—we can identify the pitfalls to avoid and the strategies to embrace. In the following sections, we’ll delve into these mindsets, starting with the Enforcer Mindset, to uncover how they influence motivation and what we can do to foster a more empowering environment for growth.

The Enforcer Mindset

Characteristics of the Enforcer Mindset

In 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating, David Yeager describes the Enforcer Mindset as an approach where adults impose high expectations and strict standards without providing the necessary support for young people to meet them. Those who adopt this mindset often believe that their primary role is to enforce rules and standards, expecting that young people will either rise to the challenge or face consequences. The emphasis is on compliance and discipline, with little attention given to individual development or the underlying reasons for a young person’s struggles.

This mindset often stems from the belief that strict discipline is the most effective way to prepare young people for the real world. However, it can lead to negative outcomes by neglecting the developmental needs of adolescents.

Impact of Fear-Based Motivation

Yeager’s research highlights several detrimental effects of the Enforcer Mindset on young people’s motivation and development:

• Reduced Intrinsic Motivation: When motivation is driven by fear of punishment rather than personal interest or growth, young people may become disengaged from learning and lack genuine enthusiasm.
• Increased Anxiety and Stress: Constant pressure to avoid failure or punishment can lead to heightened stress levels, which negatively affect cognitive function and overall well-being.
• Fixed Mindset Adoption: Emphasizing innate ability over effort encourages a fixed mindset, where individuals believe their abilities are unchangeable, hindering resilience and perseverance.
• Erosion of Trust: Strict enforcement without understanding can damage the relationship between adults and young people, leading to resistance and defiance.
• Lack of Skill Development: Without guidance and support, young people may not develop essential problem-solving and coping skills.

By relying on fear-based tactics, the Enforcer Mindset overlooks the importance of supportive relationships and the developmental processes crucial for adolescents’ growth.

How Enforcers Can Improve

To move away from the Enforcer Mindset and adopt a more effective approach for parenting and leading young people, it’s essential to embrace the qualities of the Mentor Mindset. This involves balancing high expectations with genuine support, fostering a growth mindset, and building strong, empathetic relationships through open communication and collaboration. Here are strategies Enforcers can implement, along with a few examples:

1. Balance Expectations with Support

• Communicate Clear Expectations and Offer Support: Clearly state the standards you expect and ask if the young person feels they have the skills and resources needed to succeed. Make it clear that you’re willing to provide assistance and that not knowing everything is normal.
  Example: “I expect you to complete this project by next week. Do you feel equipped to handle it? Let me know if there’s anything you need.”

2. Provide Guidance and Resources

• Offer Necessary Tools and Assistance: Instead of assuming they’ll figure it out on their own, provide the guidance and resources they need to meet expectations.
  Example: “Here are some resources that might help you with your assignment. Let’s review them together if you’d like.”

3. Foster a Growth Mindset

• Emphasize Development Over Perfection: Encourage the belief that abilities can be developed through effort and learning. Reassure them that it’s okay not to have all the answers initially.
  Example: “It’s alright if this is challenging now. With practice, you’ll get better. Learning takes time.”

4. Use Constructive Feedback

• Focus on Improvement: Provide specific, actionable feedback aimed at helping them grow, rather than criticizing them.
  Example: “Your presentation was informative. To make it even better, you might add some visual aids.”

5. Build Empathetic Relationships

• Show Empathy and Listen: Understand their perspective by engaging in open, respectful communication. This builds trust and makes them more receptive to guidance.
  Example: “I noticed you’ve been quiet lately. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”

By adopting these strategies, those with an Enforcer Mindset can transition toward the Mentor Mindset, creating a more supportive and effective environment for young people’s growth.

However, it’s important not to swing to the opposite extreme. While avoiding the pitfalls of the Enforcer Mindset is crucial, David Yeager warns in 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People that overprotecting young people can be equally detrimental. This brings us to the Protector Mindset, where excessive support without real challenges can hinder development. Let’s explore the characteristics of the Protector Mindset and how it impacts motivation and growth.

The Protector Mindset

Characteristics of the Protector Mindset

The Protector Mindset is characterized by a well-intentioned but overprotective approach to guiding young people. According to David Yeager, adults with this mindset aim to shield youth from stress, failure, and the difficulties of real-world challenges. They often believe that by minimizing discomfort and obstacles, they are helping young people maintain self-esteem and happiness.

While this approach stems from a place of care, it can inadvertently hinder young people’s ability to develop resilience, problem-solving skills, and independence.

Downsides of Overprotection

Yeager’s research highlights several negative consequences of the Protector Mindset:

• Stunted Growth: Without exposure to challenges, young people miss opportunities to develop new skills and competencies.
• Lack of Resilience: Shielding them from failure prevents them from learning how to cope with setbacks and persist in the face of difficulties.
• Dependency: Over-reliance on adult intervention can hinder the development of autonomy and self-efficacy.
• Fixed Mindset Adoption: Constant protection may reinforce the belief that abilities are fixed and that challenges should be avoided.

By preventing young people from experiencing and overcoming obstacles, the Protector Mindset can limit their preparedness for real-world situations where resilience and problem-solving are essential.

How Protectors Can Improve

To evolve from a Protector Mindset to a more effective mentoring approach, it’s essential to introduce real standards while maintaining emotional support. David Yeager emphasizes the importance of balancing care with opportunities for growth. Here are strategies Protectors can implement:

1. Set High but Achievable Expectations:

• Communicate Clear Standards: Let young people know what is expected of them in a way that is challenging yet attainable.
  Example: Encourage them to tackle a difficult project with the understanding that effort and learning are valued over perfection.
• Align Expectations with Developmental Stage: Ensure that goals are appropriate for their age and abilities.

2. Encourage Autonomy:

• Allow Independent Problem-Solving: Let them attempt tasks on their own before offering assistance.
  Example: If they’re struggling with homework, guide them with questions rather than providing answers.
• Support Decision-Making: Encourage them to make choices and learn from the outcomes.

3. Provide Constructive Feedback:

• Be Honest and Specific: Offer feedback that acknowledges both strengths and areas for improvement.
  Example: Instead of saying “Great job on everything,” point out what was done well and what could be enhanced.
• Frame Criticism Positively: Present feedback as opportunities for growth rather than as failures.

4. Normalize Challenges and Failure:

• Share Personal Experiences: Discuss times when you’ve faced difficulties and how you overcame them.
  Example: Talk about a project that didn’t go as planned and what you learned from it.
• Reinforce the Value of Effort: Emphasize that struggling with a task is a natural part of the learning process.

5. Promote a Growth Mindset:

• Highlight the Ability to Improve: Encourage the belief that skills and intelligence can develop with effort and time.
  Example: Praise persistence and strategies used rather than innate talent.
• Use Growth-Oriented Language: Replace phrases like “You’re so smart” with “You worked really hard on this.”

6. Gradually Increase Responsibilities:

• Start Small and Build Up: Begin with manageable tasks and progressively introduce more complex challenges.
• Example: Assign them a simple chore and, over time, increase the complexity or responsibility.
• Celebrate Milestones: Recognize progress to build confidence.

7. Teach Coping Strategies:

• Equip Them with Tools: Provide techniques for managing stress and overcoming obstacles.
  Example: Teach time-management skills or stress-relief practices like deep breathing.
• Encourage Problem-Solving Skills: Guide them in breaking down challenges into manageable parts.

8. Maintain Emotional Support:

• Be Available: Let them know you’re there to support them emotionally, even as they face challenges independently.
• Listen Actively: Provide a safe space for them to express concerns or fears without immediately jumping in to fix the problem.

9. Model Resilient Behavior:

• Demonstrate How to Handle Setbacks: Show them how you deal with your own challenges calmly and constructively.
  Example: If a plan falls through, discuss how you’re adjusting and moving forward.

10. Encourage Peer Support:

• Promote Collaboration: Encourage them to work with others, fostering social skills and shared problem-solving.
  Example: Suggest joining group activities or study groups.

By integrating these practices, protectors can create an environment that balances emotional support with the necessary exposure to real-world standards. This approach aligns with Yeager’s emphasis on fostering resilience and independence in young people, preparing them to navigate personal and professional landscapes effectively.

Transitioning from a Protector Mindset doesn’t mean withdrawing support or care. Instead, it involves redefining support to empower young people to face challenges head-on. By adopting the Mentor Mindset, which combines high expectations with adequate support, adults can effectively foster growth and motivation. In the next section, we’ll delve into the core principles of the Mentor Mindset and how it serves as a balanced and holistic approach to guiding young people.

The Mentor Mindset

In 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating, David Yeager highlights the Mentor Mindset as the most effective approach for guiding young people. This mindset uniquely combines high expectations with genuine support, creating an environment where individuals can thrive and reach their full potential.

Why the Mentor Mindset Is the Ideal Approach

1. Promotes a Growth Mindset
The Mentor Mindset encourages young people to believe that their abilities and intelligence can develop through dedication and hard work. By setting challenging goals and providing necessary support, mentors help individuals:

• Embrace Learning Opportunities: Viewing challenges as chances to grow.
• Persist Through Obstacles: Developing resilience by overcoming setbacks.
• Value Effort Over Innate Ability: Recognizing that hard work leads to mastery.

Yeager emphasizes that fostering a growth mindset is crucial for motivation and long-term success.

2. Balances Challenge with Support
Unlike the Enforcer, who imposes strict demands without assistance, or the Protector, who offers support without real challenges, the Mentor strikes a harmonious balance between the two. This balance is essential because:

• Challenges Stimulate Growth: High expectations push young people out of their comfort zones, promoting development.
• Support Builds Confidence: Providing resources, guidance, and emotional backing helps them navigate difficulties and reduces anxiety.

According to Yeager, this equilibrium leads to optimal motivation, where individuals feel both encouraged and capable of achieving their goals.

3. Builds Strong, Empathetic Relationships
Rooted in understanding and empathy, the Mentor Mindset involves investing time to know each young person’s unique background, strengths, and challenges. This personalized approach:

• Fosters Trust: When young people feel understood, they’re more likely to engage openly and accept feedback.
• Enhances Communication: Open dialogue facilitates better problem-solving and collaboration.

Yeager highlights that strong relationships are a cornerstone of effective motivation, significantly impacting a young person’s willingness to strive for excellence.

4. Enhances Intrinsic Motivation
By involving young people in goal-setting and acknowledging their autonomy, the Mentor Mindset nurtures intrinsic motivation. Mentors:

• Connect Tasks to Personal Interests: Aligning challenges with their passions increases engagement.
• Encourage Ownership: Empowering them to take charge of their learning fosters responsibility and pride.

Yeager’s research shows that when motivation comes from within, individuals are more persistent, creative, and satisfied with their accomplishments.

5. Develops Critical Life Skills
The Mentor Mindset focuses not only on immediate achievements but also on cultivating essential skills for the future. Mentors help young people:

• Learn from Mistakes: Viewing setbacks as learning opportunities builds resilience.
• Enhance Problem-Solving Abilities: Collaborative troubleshooting fosters independent thinking.

These skills are vital for navigating adulthood’s complexities and adapting to new challenges.

6. Minimizes Negative Outcomes of Other Mindsets
By avoiding the extremes of the Enforcer and Protector mindsets, the Mentor Mindset minimizes:

• Fear and Anxiety: Less reliance on punishment reduces stress and the fear of failure.
• Dependence and Complacency: Providing challenges prevents over-reliance on support and encourages active engagement.

This balanced approach leads to healthier emotional and psychological development.

Evidence of Effectiveness

Yeager’s extensive research supports the effectiveness of the Mentor Mindset. Studies have shown that adolescents who perceive adults as mentors:

• Perform Better Academically: Achieving higher grades and test scores.
• Exhibit Greater Well-Being: Experiencing lower levels of depression and anxiety.
• Demonstrate Resilience: Handling stress effectively and bouncing back from setbacks.

Real-World Applications

Implementing the Mentor Mindset has practical benefits across various settings:

• In Education: Teachers adopting this approach see increased student engagement and motivation.
• In the Workplace: Leaders who mentor young employees foster innovation, loyalty, and professional growth.
• At Home: Parents balancing expectations with support nurture confident and independent children.

Embracing “Do-Overs” as Mentors: Modeling Continuous Improvement

Mentors understand that they are not perfect and will occasionally make mistakes or deviate from the principles of the Mentor Mindset. What distinguishes effective mentors is their willingness to acknowledge these missteps and use them as opportunities to model the growth and learning they encourage in others. By embracing the concept of “do-overs,” mentors demonstrate humility and a commitment to continuous improvement, reinforcing a culture where everyone feels safe to learn from errors.

When mentors make a mistake—perhaps by reacting impatiently, neglecting to listen fully, or slipping into Enforcer or Protector tendencies—they take the following steps:

• Acknowledge the Misstep: Openly communicate with the individual involved, admitting that their response was not in line with the Mentor Mindset principles.
• Explain the Reasoning: Share why the initial reaction wasn’t appropriate, providing insight into their thought process and recognizing the impact of their actions.
• Offer a Corrected Response: Revisit the situation and respond in a way that aligns with the Mentor Mindset—asking open-ended questions, offering support, and engaging in collaborative problem-solving.
• Encourage Open Dialogue: Invite feedback and ensure that the individual feels heard and respected throughout the process.

This approach serves multiple purposes:

• Models Accountability: By taking responsibility for their actions, mentors show that accountability is valued and expected at all levels.
• Builds Trust and Respect: Demonstrating honesty and vulnerability strengthens the relationship between mentor and mentee.
• Reinforces the Learning Culture: Showing that everyone is continually learning and growing encourages others to adopt the same mindset.
• Reduces Fear of Mistakes: When mentors admit their own errors, it signals that making mistakes is a natural part of development.

Example: If a mentor realizes they responded dismissively to a young person’s idea, they might say:

“I’ve been thinking about our conversation earlier and realize that I didn’t give your idea the consideration it deserved. I apologize for that. Your perspective is important to me. Could we discuss it further? I’d like to understand more about your thoughts.”

By doing so, the mentor not only corrects the immediate situation but also demonstrates how to handle mistakes constructively. This fosters an environment where individuals feel comfortable taking risks and expressing themselves, knowing that errors are opportunities for growth rather than sources of shame.

Effective Communication: Ask, Don’t Tell

A hallmark of the Mentor Mindset is the emphasis on open, respectful communication. Mentors prioritize asking questions over giving directives, fostering an environment where collaboration and critical thinking thrive.

Importance of Asking Questions to Foster Collaboration and Problem-Solving

By posing thoughtful questions, mentors invite individuals to engage actively in the learning process. This method:

• Encourages Autonomy: Individuals take ownership of their learning and decision-making.
• Stimulates Critical Thinking: Questions prompt deeper analysis and exploration of ideas.
• Facilitates Engagement: Active participation increases interest and investment in outcomes.

Examples of effective questions include:

• “Can you help me understand how you approached this problem?”
• “What strategies have you considered to tackle this challenge?”
• “How did that experience make you feel, and what did you learn from it?”

How Questions Promote Respect and Validate Feelings

Asking questions demonstrates respect for the individual’s thoughts and feelings, legitimizing their experiences. This approach:

• Builds Trust: Showing genuine interest fosters a strong, respectful relationship.
• Validates Emotions: Acknowledging feelings helps individuals feel heard and understood.
• Reduces Resistance: Collaboration minimizes the likelihood of defiance or passive compliance.

By avoiding authoritative commands, mentors encourage individual expression and promote a more engaged, motivated attitude.

Growth Through Collaborative Troubleshooting

Mentors excel at guiding individuals through challenges by working alongside them to identify obstacles and develop solutions. This collaborative approach enhances problem-solving skills and fosters independence.

Guiding Individuals Through Challenges

Collaborative troubleshooting involves:

• Identifying Barriers: Working together to pinpoint what is hindering progress.
• Brainstorming Solutions: Encouraging the individual to contribute ideas, promoting ownership of the solution.
• Implementing Action Plans: Developing step-by-step strategies to overcome challenges.

This method not only resolves immediate issues but also equips individuals with the skills to handle future problems independently.

Examples of collaborative troubleshooting questions:

• “What do you think is causing this difficulty?”
• “Have you encountered a similar challenge before, and how did you handle it?”
• “What resources or support do you think would help you move forward?”

Transparency and Understanding Needs

Transparent communication and a deep understanding of underlying motivations are essential components of the Mentor Mindset.

Importance of Transparent Communication

Mentors prioritize honesty and clarity in their interactions, ensuring that expectations, intentions, and feedback are openly communicated. This transparency:

• Builds Credibility: Being open and honest establishes trust and reliability.
• Clarifies Expectations: Clear communication prevents misunderstandings and aligns goals.
• Enhances Motivation: Understanding the “why” behind tasks increases engagement and purpose.

Understanding Underlying Causes of Actions

Mentors strive to understand the root causes of behaviors rather than just addressing the symptoms. By exploring the underlying needs driving actions, mentors can:

• Address Core Issues: Solutions become more effective when they target the actual problem.
• Demonstrate Empathy: Recognizing personal struggles shows compassion and support.
• Customize Support: Tailoring assistance based on individual needs leads to better outcomes.

Example: If a young person is disengaged at school, a mentor might ask:

• “Would you like to share what’s on your mind lately?”
• “Is there something outside of school that has occupied your mind lately?”
• “How can I support you in managing these challenges?”

By seeking to understand rather than judge, mentors create a safe space for open dialogue and personal growth.

By embracing the Mentor Mindset, parents and leaders transform their relationships with those they guide. This approach emphasizes balanced expectations, supportive guidance, effective communication, collaborative problem-solving, and transparency. It not only addresses immediate challenges but also builds the foundation for long-term success, resilience, and self-reliance. Individuals feel valued, understood, and empowered to reach their fullest potential when mentors apply these principles in real-life situations.

Key Takeaways

Motivating young people is a journey I’ve personally found both challenging and rewarding. As a parent and a life coach, I’ve grappled with finding the right balance between setting expectations and providing support. Embracing the Mentor Mindset has transformed not only how I guide my own teenager but also how I advise my clients.

I invite you to reflect on your own experiences with the young people in your life. Have you found yourself leaning more toward enforcing rules or perhaps overprotecting them from life’s challenges? I certainly have been there myself. Recognizing these tendencies is the first step toward adopting a more balanced and effective approach.

Here’s how you can start implementing the Mentor Mindset:

1. Set High but Attainable Expectations:

• Sit down together and discuss their goals. Show them you believe in their potential by setting meaningful challenges.
• I remember doing this with my own child, and the difference it made was remarkable. They felt valued and motivated.

2. Provide Genuine Support:

• Offer resources, guidance, and encouragement tailored to their needs.
• Think about times when someone supported you in this way. How did it feel? Replicating that support can make a huge difference.

3. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities:

• When you make a misstep, acknowledge it openly. I’ve found that admitting my own mistakes not only models humility but also builds trust.
• Encourage them to see their own mistakes as part of the learning process.

4. Engage in Open Communication:

• Ask open-ended questions and listen without judgment. This fosters a safe space for them to express themselves.
• In my practice, I’ve seen how powerful it is when young people feel truly heard.

5. Collaborate on Problem-Solving:

• Work together to find solutions, empowering them to take ownership.
• I’ve watched my clients grow in confidence when they’re involved in creating their own action plans.

9. Understand Their Underlying Needs:

• Take the time to empathize and understand what’s driving their behaviors.
• This has been a game-changer in my relationships, turning frustration into connection.

Taking Action:

1. Reflect on Your Approach:

• Consider where you might shift from enforcing or protecting to mentoring.
• I continually do this self-reflection, and it guides me toward more effective interactions.

2. Start Small:

• Choose one principle to focus on this week. Maybe it’s asking more questions instead of giving directives.
• Small changes can lead to significant improvements over time.

Be Patient with Yourself and Them:

• Change doesn’t happen overnight. There will be setbacks, and that’s okay.
• I’ve learned to celebrate progress rather than perfection.

By embracing the Mentor Mindset, you’re not just guiding young people toward success; you’re building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. You’re empowering them to become resilient, motivated individuals who can navigate life’s challenges with confidence.

Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. Many of us are learning and growing in our roles as mentors. Let’s support each other in making a positive impact on the next generation.

References

Yeager, D. S. (2024). 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People: A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation―And Making Your Own Life Easier. Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster.

Dweck, C. S. (2007). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Ballantine Books Updated Edition

Blackwell, L. S., Trzesniewski, K. H., & Dweck, C. S. (2007). Implicit Theories of Intelligence Predict Achievement Across an Adolescent Transition: A Longitudinal Study and an Intervention. Child Development, 78(1), 246–263.

Yeager, D. S., et al. (2019). A National Experiment Reveals Where a Growth Mindset Improves Achievement. Nature, 573(7774), 364–369.

Yeager, D. S., et al. (2014). Breaking the Cycle of Mistrust: Wise Interventions to Provide Critical Feedback Across the Racial Divide. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(2), 804–824.

Yeager, D. S., & Bundick, M. J. (2009). The Role of Purposeful Work Goals in Promoting Meaning in Life and in Schoolwork During Adolescence. Journal of Adolescent Research, 24(4), 423–452.

Yeager, D. S., & Dweck, C. S. (2012). Mindsets That Promote Resilience: When Students Believe That Personal Characteristics Can Be Developed. Educational Psychologist, 47(4), 302–314.