VIDEO: Two Ways to Deal With a Narcissistic Boss

Summarize Meetings with a Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissistic boss can be challenging, but following up one-on-one meetings with an email summarizing the meeting can help mitigate some of the difficulties. Narcissistic bosses often have a tendency to take credit for successes and shift blame for failures. By sending a summary email, you can provide documentation of what was discussed and agreed upon during the meeting, which can be especially helpful if your boss tries to take credit for your work later on. Additionally, summarizing the meeting can help ensure that everyone is on the same page and that expectations are clear, which can reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings and conflicts.

Respond with Curiosity when Dealing with Narcissists

When dealing with a narcissistic boss, it’s also important to be curious when they try to put you on the spot. Narcissistic bosses may try to assert their dominance by asking questions that put you in a difficult position or make you look incompetent. Instead of becoming defensive or reactive, try to stay calm and curious. Ask questions to clarify what your boss is looking for or to better understand their perspective. By doing so, you can demonstrate your willingness to learn and your commitment to finding solutions, which can help diffuse tense situations and earn your boss’s respect. Additionally, being curious can help you gather more information about what your boss wants, which can help you anticipate their needs and avoid future conflicts.

[TRANSCRIPT]:

A lot of people ask me what to do when you have a narcissistic boss, and there’s a couple things to keep in mind. Number One: avoid one-on-ones as often as possible. I know that sometimes you’re going to have to do a one-on-one anyway, but what you should do after the one-on-one is you you follow it up with an email that just summarizes the things you talked about.

That way, they can never go back and say “hey this person said that” or “they said this” or “no I didn’t say that” or whatever, right? So always follow up with like a bullet- pointed email that shows you were being a good listener; that “this is my understanding from our meeting that these are the main points” right? Because you want to keep a paper trail so that way they can’t get you in a bind of what you said or didn’t say, or that they told you you need to do something and then it didn’t get done.

The other thing about dealing with narcissists, in general, but especially in narcissistic boss is when they try to put you on the spot in front of other people: don’t explain. When you’re explaining, you’re losing! So what you want to do instead is ask a question. Be curious–have a real tone of curiosity and just get them to explain themselves.

So say they put you on the spot and say “hey you know you did this thing wrong” in front of a group of people. Just ask “well, how do you mean exactly?” Get them to explain–ask a ‘how’ or ‘what’ question that is going to have them having to explain themselves.

And when you do that often enough, and they realize that you’re just going to be this really good curious listener in front of other people, they’re gonna stop trying to put you on the spot in the future.