An Insider’s Look at a Coaching Engagement

How does a Life Coaching engagement go?  What do you talk about?  What do you work on?rnrnAs Kristen Hadeed opens up, you get an insider's look at what working with a life coach looks like.  We talk about the life coaching work we did together: core values, beliefs, focusing on what matters, where the fear is, our relationships with loved ones.rnrnu003cstrongu003e[TRANSCRIPT]:u003c/strongu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e00:01u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI am so excited for today. We are having a conversation with the amazing u003ca href=u0022https://confidecoaching.com/life-coach-houston-2/u0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003ePaul Strobl. u003c/au003eShow us where you are. Oh, get ready everybody for this because Paul, without question, has made such a profound difference in my life, and in the person that I've become, the human I've become and the leader I become. u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003ePaul was one of my very first life coaches and he helped me a lot in the area of self-awareness, and really beginning to look inside to connect, how that may impact the way that we show up on the outside and so today we're going to go on a journey of what did our work look like together? u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWhat were some of the really big challenges were that we tackled in our life coaching work together, and what can you take from this journey and apply it to you on your own? u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, we'll start with how we met and called. I'd love to pass it to you first. Do you remember our first call? What was your impression? Do you remember how I reached out to you? I had to think back, is it a little fuzzy? So, I'd like to hear what your remember.u003c/spanu003ernu003ch2u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eHow We Met u003c/spanu003eu003c/h2u003ernu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e01:18u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWhat I remember is you were in Houston, and you googled life coaching and you found me even though at the time I'm not sure if I was in Argentina or Bulgaria at that moment, but yeah, I work with people in Houston. u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAll of these years I designed my business to be tethered to Houston and so you found me online in Houston. And we had a u003ca href=u0022https://confidecoaching.satoriapp.com/booku0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003etrial sessionu003c/au003e and I treat that just like every other trial session I look at it as a mutual interview to kind of see whether or not we connect, and I really test the person to see u0022is this person really ready for a change? Are they willing to get uncomfortable?u0022u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI do remember poking and prodding that first session, and you didn't really squirm. You were ready to get uncomfortable, which is the most important thing if you're going to start life coaching, isn't it?u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e02:17u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYeah, and I'm laughing because you're right that I Googled you so, here's my side of it. A friend of mine asked me if I knew a coach that I could recommend for her. So, I started looking up coaches for her, and then I read these different websites. I was like u0022I want to coach.u0022 So, then I Googled coaches in Houston, and I remember your life coaching website because I remember it was like a hot air balloon with bricks falling out of the basket. Is that right?u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e02:49u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eThey were meant to be sandbags. But bricks are fine *laughs*u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003er

u003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e02:53u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eGot yeah, sandbagsu003c/spanu003eu003cbu003eu002du002du003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eand I remember that moment in my life. When I saw that picture, I took a deep breath and I was like, what is that? And I think what it felt like at that time in my life is I felt heavy, like there was something weighing me down and I wasn't sure what it was. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI really wanted to explore that, and I think now knowing what I know about the journey ahead, maybe it was wrestling with the Student Maid decision. And like, knowing that something felt out of alignment in my life, and not being really sure what it was. So just seeing that image, it inspired me to reach out to you and then we had our first call, and then we ended up working together for over a year. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, before we dive into our work, tell us your story of becoming a life coach, because this isn't always what you've done in your life.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e03:43u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eNo, I did an MBA, I jumped into the corporate thing. I was working days, nights and weekends and I was really following the u003cemu003eshouldsu003c/emu003e. I was checking the boxes, here's all the things I should be doing. Here's something that's prestigious working for a fortune 50 company, and u003cstrongu003eI really wasn't happy. u003c/strongu003eu003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cimg class=u0022wp-image-26751 size-mediumu0022 src=u0022https://confidecoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/New-House-with-Mortgage-300x225.jpgu0022 alt=u0022u0022 width=u0022300u0022 height=u0022225u0022 /u003e Fresh mortgage in 2005u003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eIt wasn't pleasurable. There was about 10% of my job that I loved and the rest of it, I didn't. And I when I sought out u003ca href=u0022https://confidecoaching.com/mentor-mindset-for-parents-and-leaders/u0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003ementorsu003c/au003e, I went to talk to people, they said, u0022What did you expect? You're getting the big bucks, if it were easy, anybody could do it.u0022  And of course getting married, triggered all of that, as well as like, okay, it's time to build a family and get a mortgage. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e I was about four years into it, I hadn't taken any vacation, I was 85 pounds more than I am right now and just burning the candle at both ends.   u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eMy Wake-Up Call that Led Me to Life Coachingu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAnd, I got a phone call one morning, and it was my father and he was in hysterics, and he's not that type of guy that freaks out at anything and my brother had shot himself. And that was the moment that made me, you know, it was the worst experience in my life. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me because it really broke me open and had me looking things a new way. And it had me looking for the right tools and asking different questions and it wasn't an overnight thing like u0022Okay, that's it. I'm a life coach.u0022u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eIt was a good two years of going to therapy and hiring my own coach about what's next and learning about personality disorders and all this other stuff that was around me.  The environment I grew up in, and getting back in shape and getting a personal trainer. And at the end of all of that when all the dust had settled, what I had been able to do was I got rid of all the u003cemu003eshoulds. u003c/emu003eAll the things I should be doing and should be and should try and when all of that was gone, it was really obvious I was an entrepreneur and a life coach. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAnd so then, we decidedu002du002dI was married to an Argentinianu002du002dwe decided to go back to Argentina. I started a private wine tour company, and I started studying coaching. And this was in 2008 when I launched my coaching practice. I wanted to be able to do it online anywhere in the world, because cultural curiosity is one of my top values of something I love to explore. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cimg class=u0022wp-image-27573 size-fullu0022 src=u0022https://confidecoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/Live-slow-wine-tours.jpgu0022 alt=u0022u0022 width=u0022800u0022 height=u0022223u0022 /u003e My wine tour company logo in Mendoza, Argentina 2008u003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBut back then, there were no digital nomads. Nobody was doing that. But it worked, and it's worked all these all these years and I've been involved in different entrepreneurial projects. But the whole time I've been life coaching and the last six years or so it's been my only thing, and I just love it so much. I'm like, everything else has been a distraction. This is really who I am and stepped into it full time.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e06:42u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo powerful. Thinking about u0022are you living your life according to what you think you should be doing?u0022 You know, the u003c/spanu003eu003ciu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eshoulds,u003c/spanu003eu003c/iu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e or really following what is in here (pointing to heart) and if I remember correctly, you also left your marriage.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e06:58u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cimg class=u0022wp-image-74 size-fullu0022 src=u0022https://confidecoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Houston-Life-Coach-with-Dog-Mountains-Paul-Strobl.jpgu0022 alt=u0022u0022 width=u0022375u0022 height=u0022500u0022 /u003e Traveling and hiking with my dog Sheila in 2017 with no intention of getting remarried.u003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI did. It was about six or seven years ago. Cultural curiosity was such an important part of my life, and I was married to someone who said, u0022I never want to leave Buenos Aires. I want to stay here the rest of my life.u0022 And I was like, we didn't have children, so, I said well, our goals and the things we want are no longer aligned. And I can't cage myself because this is what you want, and so we split. It was a good marriage for the most part, and it ended in divorce, and then it kind of hit me hard. I’m going to be u003cstrongu003edivorced in my 40su003c/strongu003e, what's that going to be like? So much uncertainty, right?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eDivorced in My 40'su003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e It was awesome. I met so many amazing people. So many, really. And what went away was this whole idea of scarcity. And I think when it comes to relationships, we have this scarcity notion we put so much pressure on every day in every interaction and every text. And because everybody has a u0022one and onlyu0022 for each person, but in reality, there's thousands. It's who you choose, it's who you decide to build a life with. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI really didn't anticipate what  happened nextu002du002du003cstrongu003eI didn't expect to get remarriedu003c/strongu003e. While u003c/spanu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI was not interested in getting married at all, I met somebody who was also not interested in getting remarried. But it was just too good. I was traveling around Europe with my dog, with no intention of settling down at all. And I met the most amazing person who is so like-minded that it just worked out. So, she got a new dog and I got to be a stepdad. So, the next chapter opened up.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e08:53u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWhich Paul just shared some amazing news with our team before joining, if you feel, share what you said to us about your son?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eAdoption Newsu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e09:03u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eA few months ago, u003cstrongu003ehe was officially adoptedu003c/strongu003e. So, he now has my last name, which is also cool, because I was adopted at birth and so he thinks it's super cool that, hey, we're both adopted. So, really cool and of course, when we travel internationally, that makes things a lot easier that we don't have three different last names, right? So, we all have the same last name. So, it makes it nice and easy.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e09:30u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI remember being just so inspired by the story and, and really being inspired by how you really created the life that you wanted and dreamt of. And followed what was in here (pointing to heart) and what that caused you u003cstrongu003eto have to kind of “blow up” certain parts of your lifeu003c/strongu003e. You had to leave the marriage, you had to leave the job, you had to have some necessary endings. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAnd I think maybe at that time, I felt like there was something that I needed to end maybe, but I wasn't sure what. And I didn't want to go there, because it's so scary to even begin to think about, which is why, when I heard your story, I thought u0022there's something here. I think I could learn so much from you and I want to do this together.u0022 And one of the first exercises I remember doing was identifying my own values and I had done this on a company level.u003c/spanu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWe wrote about this in u003ca href=u0022https://www.kristenhadeed.com/booku0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003ePermission to Screw Upu003c/au003e identifying our team core values, but I had never really put intention around my own personal values. And you gave me an exercise to think about those and to identify what mine were. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAnd then I remember also telling you about Spiros and we talked about relationships, and you asked me, u0022do you feel that you both embody the same values?u0022 Or u0022do you hold, the same value on the same things, because if not, something that could be really hard later in your marriage in your life.u0022 u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAnd it was such a simple exercise, but really powerful and there were values that I leaned on in the pandemic, what to lead myself to lead the people around me, so maybe share more of why do you start there? and what can someone do if maybe they haven't identified these values for themselves?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eLife Coaching First Steps: Identifying Core Values u003c/spanu003eu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e11:22u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eIn life coaching I lead with limiting beliefs and core values.  And the reason for that is, if we start with goal setting, and the things that you want to accomplish, and you're not clear on your values, u003cstrongu003ethey could be the wrong thingsu003c/strongu003e. So, you could do all of this work and all this planning, and all this effort. And it's all for something that really isn't you. It's really not as important to youu002du002dit's somebody else's values and might be your parents values or what's prestigiousu003c/spanu003e in your culture.u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAgain, it comes back to the shoulds, and the trouble is the u003cemu003eshouldsu003c/emu003e are screaming in our ears and in our heads. Our own voice is like a whisper, so knowing which is really important is key. And when it comes to values, a lot of people can go just think that honesty and integrity and these other culturally prestigious values are important. Well, no, there's a handful that are most important to you that when you have a dilemma, that's the value that wins.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eu003cimg class=u0022wp-image-27367 alignright size-fullu0022 src=u0022https://confidecoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/dilemma-core-values-quote.jpgu0022 alt=u0022core values quotationu0022 width=u0022300u0022 height=u0022244u0022 /u003eTake this scenario: I promised my kid I was going to go to his baseball game, and this really important thing came up at work that is crucial to the advancement of my career. Well, there's no correct thing to do in that situation. Objectively there's no correct thing. But each person, what is the most important thing, what's going to win out right now? There's a value there, or you're making a choice and u003cstrongu003eall a dilemma is, is two values coming crashing into one another. u003c/strongu003eu003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, when you have a dilemma, that's an opportunity to say, if you don't know your values, you can say, what are the two? What are the two values that I'm struggling with here? Why is this such a dilemma? And why am I having a hard time making a decision? That's because both things are very important to you. So, you're starting to uncover what your values are.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e13:34u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWhen we did the exercise, I identified five values and then since we've worked together, I've continued to think on those five things and I've been able to condense them to two and so to kind of help you see what Paul's talking about here, my two are courage and compassion and whenever I'm faced with any dilemma, I can't think of a time where my values haven't shown me the way. If I can think about what the most courageous way is to show up here, the most compassionate way to show up here. I know that I will have an answer if I think that way. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBut sometimes, it's hard because like you said, they're so intertwined. Sometimes the courageous thing to do may hurt somebody else may not make you feel so great, right and because compassion is another goal of mine. I think the hardest dilemmas for me are the ones where it's going to affect other people, and I've come to realize that even when something will affect someone, you can still be compassionate in your approach.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e14:39u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSometimes the difficult information, sometimes the difficult conversation, that's going to hurt somebody is the right thing to do and it's hard when your values are up there. But sometimes that is the most compassionate thing to do, it is the hard thing.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eTake a Step Backu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e14:57u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYeah, and so I would say if you feel like you're faced with a decision that you're having trouble with, don't make an impulsive decision. Stop, reflect on it. Think about it. Think about what's most important to youu002du002dwhat outcome is most important to you? How do you want to show up in this situation, and we make better decisions that way? We make decisions that are in integrity with ourselves, when we think about it that way.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e15:25u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI like to say when in doubt, do nothing. Because we're in this “go do it,” take action culture, but sometimes not doing anything is better. Take a step back, take a breather, because the action you want to take may seriously affect the end result. What do you want? Do nothing for a little bit.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e15:50u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYeah, so you said you start with values, and then you said limiting beliefs? Tell us about beliefs.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eLife Coaching First Steps: Self-Limiting Beliefsu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e15:57u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBeliefs manifest physically. So, I'm not a New Agey life coachu002du002dI'm very pragmatic. But it's in our bodies, right? It's somewhere in our throat, or our chest or somewhere in our mid-section. So, those situations where something in the middle of your body feels heavy, or tight, or whatever, there's a belief behind that. I think we did the exercise where I picked the two most common negative beliefs that people have about themselves. Those two are, u0022I'm not good enoughu0022 and u0022I'm not important.u0022 So to anybody watching this, if you just say that out loud to yourself, what happens? u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eJust pay attention to what your body does, forget what your brain argues, forget that narrator in your head. Just say it and see if something happens in your body, and if it does, Congratulations!  You're human!  But what that means is that you've been carrying that around with you a very long time. It's basically just a cognitive bias. It comes from something usually associated with our parents when we were four or five years old. It could be something as simple as you have a sibling that was sick and I'm not good enough, obviously.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBecause my parents are paying attention there and then you're in first grade and they're choosing teams for kickball and you're the last one to get chosen, then you go up there it is, see that I'm not good enough and then you don't speak up in a meeting in your 20s because you don't have anything good enough to say,, and you still have the same feeling in the middle of your chest that you had when they didn't pick you for kickball. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, it's there's methods of unraveling that and enlightening that and that's to your point about my picture of the hot air balloon and the sandbags. It's that if your beliefs are distorting the way you view reality and the way you view yourself. So, if you don't work with that first, if you don't determine your values first, you're not getting clean information in your reality. So, the goal you're going to be setting are probably going to be the wrong things. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBecause you can become a billionaire entrepreneur and cure blindness in children all over the world, and still feel like you're not good enough because you never worked on the belief. It's not about the outside evidence, the brain will reject the outside evidence of all the good stuff, and only focus on that one thing that you did wrong out of hundreds or 1000s of good things.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e18:34u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI remember that exercise you actually had me say these out loud, I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect, and you would ask, okay, did you feel anything?  I remember being not so humble. The first few I didn't feel anything. I'm like, yep, I don't think I have any of these. You know, we kept doing it and then I had so many: u0022I need money to make me happy.u0022 u0022It's my job to make other people happy.u0022u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI just remember a time I felt I don't belong and that was so huge, not only for me, but for our team. Because when I started to see that, there's beliefs I've been carrying that I haven't really realized. I've just taken these as reality. I didn't realize I could change these beliefs about myself, and I started to realize that. Then I thought, u0022wait, as a team!u0022 What does everyone else have? And then we started to do our limiting beliefs work together and now we teach that work, right? And you actually had calls with each member of our team about that very topic.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e19:33u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBeliefs, they only survive when they're absolutely 100% true, completely black and white. This is absolutist thinking, and when you can crack the door open to the possibility that it might not be true, it starts to fall apart. The belief just starts to fall apart, the sandbag starts to leak.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e19:55u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, how do you begin to challenge the belief?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eIdentifying and Challenging the Belief u003c/spanu003eu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e19:59u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWell, first off, you need to recognize there is, right? Like, to you to your point? When do I use absolute speech? When do I say “every time”, “always”, “never?” There's something in there, and it's important to question it, and using that as an indicator of “wait, what's behind that?” Because there aren’t many absolutes in this world, everything's gray. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, when we are super firm, that's a way to kind of be like, “Is that true?” Is that really 100% true, 100% of the time? And that's where it lies, but for so many people it's so hard to see, because as to your point, you said you accept these as absolute truths about life.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e20:54u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYeah, which is the power of a talented life coach to help you see what you can't! u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e20:58u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eExactly. I need people to help me to see what I can’t. So, yes, we can't see our own things as easily. It's always better to be able to talk to somebody who can ask those uncomfortable questions.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e21:15u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eEven if you don't have the means to hire a life coach, your friends could serve this life coaching role for you people who know you well, right? It doesn't have to be. I think the point is, you need an external thought partner with this kind of work, because it's really hard to see on your own.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e21:31u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYes, it's very difficult. I mean, it could be somebody that you take walks with in the park and say, “Okay, today we're going to ask each other some questions.” Start there, right?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eTaming Your Gremlin u003c/spanu003eu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e21:42u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003ca href=u0022https://www.amazon.com/Taming-Your-Gremlin-Surprisingly-Getting/dp/0060520221/u0022u003eu003cimg class=u0022alignnone wp-image-27544 size-fullu0022 src=u0022https://confidecoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/taming-your-gremlin-book.jpgu0022 alt=u0022taming your gremlin booku0022 width=u0022320u0022 height=u0022481u0022 /u003eu003c/au003e I love it when someone can make personal growth fun. Rick Carson does a great job!u003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI remember when we were doing that work, he recommended a book to me called Taming Your Gremlin. I remember I had a little bit of time off, and I was at the beach reading, Taming Your Gremlin in the sand and it was like, these little gremlins are on our shoulder. Each one had a name, I remember one was “the commander,” and it's like, the commander sounds like this. It's all the things that we're really saying to ourselves, and really helped me because it was like, that's not me talking. That's my Gremlin.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e22:09u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYes-it's a concept from u003ca href=u0022https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-cognitive-behavior-therapy-2795747u0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003ecognitive behavioral therapyu003c/au003e of u0022third party-ingu0022 the narrator in your head. And Rick Carson, the author, he makes it really light and fun. That's definitely more like my philosophy. Things don't have to be so serious all the time. I love that he would have his patients draw their gremlins. He would actually have them create them and by third-partying it and thinking u0022I'm not this horrible person for having these thoughts or beating myself up. It's just my gremlin.u0022u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYou don't have to listen to the Gremlin all the time, but you can acknowledge that it's there. You can't kill it. It's just going to be there. It's just these voices in your head, but you're the listener. You're the person who decides.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e23:09u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYou just made me remember the team. u003cstrongu003eWe drew our Gremlinsu003c/strongu003e. It was so cool and it was so funny to see what everyone drew.  Like you said, this kind of work is hard and we can keep it light sometimes, like this exerciseu002du002das a way to humanize. Okay, we all have these, and like you said, you get to decide if you want to listen to this Gremlin that you have. The Gremlin will talk, but you don't have to listen.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e23:38u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eCould be a great Halloween activity. Everyone could make them into masks.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eWriting Your Eulogyu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e23:43u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eGet your Gremlin a name. I love it. Okay, let's shift to the hardest assignment you gave me in our life coaching journey, which was u003ca href=u0022https://www.kristenhadeed.com/blog/writing-my-eulogyu0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003ewriting my eulogy.u003c/au003e Tell us about that.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e24:01u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWell, it's pretty simple. Not easy, but it's pretty simple. What do you want the people closest to you to say about you when you die? But then the obvious follow up question after you write your eulogy is, am I living up to this person, and how can I take steps to become this person? And the good thing about using it as a eulogy is you're already dead. It's already done and so it takes away all of the, “how I'm viewed” and how I look? It's just your ego, right? So, all that stuff is off the table. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, it's really about being real, and the people speaking at your eulogy are the people that matter. Again, that can also point to your values, that's also an exercise that can help to clarify what's most important. Then you have the compass pointed in the direction of what type of person do you want to be? Are you living that?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e25:11u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eIt was so hard. I procrastinated on it and then I remember googling other people's eulogy that like, what am I doing? I get copies of these eulogies. You know the best way I could think to do it was to separate it into categories. Like, here's what I would like Spiros to say, and Ed and my future children to say, and my friends and our team. But what the AHA was for me is that I had no trouble filling out the work part of it, like what was my legacy in a professional sense, but for the rest of it, I didn't have much to say. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAnd that was a red flag, like “Wait, how am I living my life?” and this was a time where I was definitely working over my capacity. Definitely burnout mode. And I think writing the eulogy was so painful because it made me face the fact that if I continue living my life this way, I definitely am going to end up at the end of my life with regret.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eMemento Moriu003c/spanu003eu003c/h2u003enu003cimg class=u0022wp-image-27547 size-fullu0022 src=u0022https://confidecoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/memento-mori.jpgu0022 alt=u0022memento moriu0022 width=u0022298u0022 height=u0022223u0022 /u003e The Stoic philosophers understood how contemplating death keeps you grounded.u003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e26:12u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAt the end of day, everything we're doing we're either building more of the life we want or we're building regret. Every action. So it's just being aware of that obviously you need clarity first otherwise your way I What do I do but and that's a precedence but it is that and the Stoics they have this memento mori that they say and it's remembered that right and that I think is our greatest teacher and even my story I told the beginning of this in my brother's death was that wake up call for me. I call it making friends with Death because nothing is life and death except life and death. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eEverything else is just experiments and screwing up sometimes and it's okay but just keep experimenting, keep trying and keep stretching and keep going and this just isn't that important. If it fails, if you make mistakes, it doesn't matter. So, it's not going to kill you. So, I love that concept of contemplation of death and really putting that at peace of knowing you're going to die. It sounds serious but it's not. It actually lightens everything when you have this full acceptance of what death is and that it is coming and so what do you want to do if you're not living in now, then when? Someday is now.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e28:01u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eRight and not doing something not changing something is a choice, it's a choice to change and it's a choice to not change and when I wrote the eulogy, which by the way, is in the chat, if you want to read my eulogy that I made it public because accountability is important to me and after I finished the exercise, which I took it as this is, the person I aspired to be, because I recognize that what I was writing, some of the things aren't true right now. But I want to be this, I want people to say this, this is the impact I want to have on people. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, after I wrote it, I actually send it to the people I care about most of my life, I said, this is exercise I did, this is what I came up with for myself, and I want you to hold me accountable to this, this is the person I want to be and if you feel like I'm not being this person, I really want to know and that was very vulnerable. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI remember having so much trouble and we had a call, you're like, how's it going, and you're like, don't take it too seriously, you're dead, remember, and I was like lighten it up and then that was like the spark that led me to, but highly recommend and we talked a lot about big days and break weeks and, this would be something if you want to have a sick day for yourself, great exercise, write your notes, see what you come up with.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eShowing Up for Loved Ones u003c/spanu003eu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSpeaking of deaths, one thing that we talked about a lot is my fear of death, I have an immense fear of losing people that I loved and to the point where it was, and I think it's mainly shows up in my relationship with my parents, to where I overcompensate, like when I visit them, I'm like, when's the last time you went to the doctor? What do they say? u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eu0022Oh, let's look at what's in the fridge. Oh, we need some more fruits and vegetables. Oh, let's go for a walk. How many steps does it say you've gotten on your fitbit?u0022 And I remember talking about this, because every time I would go home to my parents, it felt like it didn't feel good, and I will never forget what you said to me out. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eNow, remember this, you said, u0022If you had guests in your home, and the moment they got to your home, they're asking you, let me see how many steps your pedometer has registered for the day, what's in your fridge, we should go for a walk, would you want to invite those guests back to your home?u0022 Like that'd be terrible. No, I was doing it every time and my parents do remember that?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e30:19u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI remember and that's a simple thing, when you have people you care about or there's some conflict or discomfort or whatever is happening? Turn it around. Okay, how am I acting? What if I would, somebody just turn it around and see how that would be and you can see how ridiculous it can be. So, your Gremlin was alive, the commander was going into the house, and mobilized them.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e30:50u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eMy parents like it's just the sound when you're here, and after talking to you about this, and really unpacking it and realizing that it was stemming from fear. I think what I was unsure of is why do I show up this way with that? Why do I feel this need to tell them what to do and what it was stemming from fear and then I explored the fear? Learn to like, move, past that fear? u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eLike you said, u003cstrongu003emake friends with the fearu003c/strongu003e and then really try to think about how I would want a guest in my home to treat me and that's like how I showed up and it totally changed my relationship with my parents like, but it was way more fun to visit them. Because I didn't feel like I had to play that role and they enjoyed my visit a lot more.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e31:33u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWell, you came there with this burden that you had to take care of them and, like, from a place of love, but it just wasn't as much fun. You know, the relationship can't flow when it comes from that direction, right?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eLife Coaching u0026amp; Healthy Boundaries u003c/spanu003eu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e31:50u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI think this is connected to boundaries, because I mean, boundaries show up a lot and talk about family dynamics. Really, in any relationship. What do you do? I'm sure you coach people a lot on this subject? What are some high-level thoughts you have on boundaries?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e32:08u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI love the way u003ca href=u0022https://brenebrown.com/u0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003eBrene Brownu003c/au003e communicates boundaries. So, I'm going to borrow some of her right to paraphrase some of her stuff. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e[phone rings] A phone is ringing, can you believe that? An actual landline! It's crazy. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, boundaries are very simple. It's what's okay and what's not okay. Again, simple, not easy to do, and I think when we communicate boundaries, or we start to understand boundaries, we kind of become boundary fascist and this is not acceptable. This is not acceptable. This thing you did. I'm not going to have people like that in my life and when we start putting up this wall, we forget to say what is acceptable. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, they really understand where the boundary is. Because otherwise, you're just like, well Geez, it's like a landmine, why do this? You know the person is? and so this and this if you want to do.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e33:28u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eReally bad, healthy. We're going to pause on that for a moment. What questions do you have about coaching in general? Things that you hope that we wouldn't, but put them in the chat? If you have them? We're going to leave them in. Okay, back to boundaries, it froze. You said, landmines, what is acceptable?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e33:54u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYeah, so then they really understand where that is. They can see this is, and so they can actually see where the boundary is. So, even if there is that dysfunctional person or life and we all have dysfunctional people in our lives, you can at least know you've communicated it well and as they continue to cross the boundary, then you take a boundary to the next level.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e34:21u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWhat does that look like? What does it look like to take it to the next level?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eFinding Healthy Boundariesu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e34:29u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eThings like actual physical, no contact, maybe, or blocking them or whatever needs to be done. I find, though, that sometimes, when you have somebody that continually crosses the boundary, sometimes just asking a question can keep them away. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBecause dysfunctional people really, a lot of self-absorbed people, I should say, they really like to put you on the spot. They will ask questions to make you uncomfortable. But if you're explaining you're losing, because that's what they want, they want you to be explaining yourself for the different things you do and hit tapping into your insecurities. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, if you can turn it around and say, how do you mean exactly, you get very curious, and then they have to explain their intention of whatever they want you to be where they're putting on the spot and then, especially if it's in front of other people, if it's one on one sessions, where a person is just going to attack. But when it's in front of other people just getting very curious, why is this information important to you? How do you mean exactly? About what you’re saying, I'm interested in your feedback, but how do you mean that they do that enough that they start to kind of keep their distance?u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003enu003ch2u003eLife Coaching for Co-Parentingu003c/h2u003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e35:55u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eThis work helped me so much in the co-parenting relationship I have with PBS mom, and this is no secret: co-parenting is hard, and it's been a challenging relationship and I would say, today, we are in the best place we've ever been in our relationship, I hope that it can be even better and where I was aspired to be is not in a place, we are in a better place. u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBut I'm considering where we started and where we are now. It's so much better and I had to learn to show up differently in that dynamic to set boundaries, especially even between like Spiros NDBS like, recognizing my role in that dynamic and setting boundaries for like, here's what I will participate in and here's where I will not and like, this is okay, this isn't okay and that was a game changer for me. Because I just never thought about that and what you said, replying with curiosity? u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eNo, it's huge. Like, what do you mean by that? and how do you mean, and I think disarming and also, I think there are certain people that I'm not saying this about us, Mom, but I think there are certain people who intentionally dig to like, tap your insecurity.u003c/spanu003eu003c/pu003enu003cpu003eu0026nbsp;u003c/pu003e

u003ch2u003eHow a Life Coach Deals with Narcissistsu003c/h2u003ernu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e37:14u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYes, and when you have an emotional reaction there, that's like crack for them. It's the best thing ever, even in the positive or the negative. So, there are also people that can also be very charming, and if they make you blush, they're like, I've got this person hooked, and understanding that and a lot of work to do on oneself, if you have somebody in your life that does that. u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBut the main thing is, they are not going to change even though in all the Hollywood movies, the bad person that the end understands and changes. That doesn't happen in real life. They're not going to and the expectation that they will change by my behavior or the way I speak to them or explain something to them.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e38:02u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eIt's like maybe they will change but it's not in your control likeu002du002dyou can't control them to change; there's no amount of explaining that makes this person change, so the only thing that's in your control is how you show up and your expectations and your mindset. u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAnd that was a game changer and I remember reading a lot of books that you recommended around that subject just like I get a lot of questions about how do you navigate someone who's a narcissist and I didn't know how to respond to that and there's a lot out there what is a good book if someone has a narcissist in their life? What is a narcissist let's start with thatu002du002dwhat is a narcissist and what's a good book?u003c/spanu003ernu003ch2u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eBooks for Dealing With Narcissists u003c/spanu003eu003c/h2u003ernu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e38:42u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eA narcissist is a self-absorbed personality. Somebody who has in general a total and there's degrees of all of this but the consummate narcissist, the definition will be somebody that lacks empathy. They’re manipulative, again, they really get off on manipulating other people's emotions. They can go from attacker to victim in two seconds. So, they’ll say something offensive, and you'll defend yourself and like, I can't believe you said such horrible things. u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo, they're very difficult to deal with and in certain situations, they can be dangerous if they have a position of power. But most of the time, they're pretty harmless. If we learn to kind of cut the wires on our buttons that they're pushing, right and so a couple of good books: one is by Sandy Hotchkiss called Why is it Always About You? And there's another one if people have parents who are narcissists, probably the best book out there by Nina Brown. It's Children of the Self-Absorbed.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e39:57u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI read that oneu002du002dgood! My parents aren’t narcissists, though! Mommy, Daddy I  love you!u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e40:04u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eThere's so much good stuff in there. She has another one Loving the Self-Absorbed, so people that are in relationships with a narcissist as well and then another one that again, this is my recommendation that there's maybe bigger ones more popular. There's another one called u003c/spanu003eu003ca href=u0022https://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718u0022u003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eTrapped in the Mirroru003c/spanu003eu003c/au003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e for people who had parents who are narcissists by Elan Golomb and that one's a little bit more clinical and heavy but it's really well done. u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eThe funny thing is, you hear a lot of people talk about Narcissists and how they wreak havoc in people's lives, but they're so predictable once you understand and you get the way they act. It's like they're pretty harmless. Again, if they're not in some position of power.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e40:56u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYeah, and two things I learned and just like, so I think the narcissism topic comes up a lot around feedback because the questions I get in feedback classes are how do you give feedback to someone who's a narcissist I keep getting feedback behavior doesn't change what do I do if my boss is a narcissist? u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYou know, these are the kinds of questions and in my readings, what I learned is that if someone's a narcissist, they have a very low self-worth and the narcissism is to protect so that nobody sees what they really feel inside and that was huge like the person is acting like they have all this power and all this but really deep down not how they feel.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eAnd the other thing that I learned is that I can't remember who said this. It's a pretty famous idea that our enemies can be our greatest teachers. The people who we have the most difficult relationships with that press our buttons the most. There's a lot to learn about what buttons they are pressing and why what are these buttons?u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e41:55u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWhose buttons are they? They're yours.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e42:00u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eNobody else's buttons. They're yours. You have to figure out what's happening here.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e42:05u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eWhen you have peace with a parent for example, who's in our family system when you have peace in that relationship, not that you're going to hold hands and go on long walks, or anything like that. But when you can have peace, all of your relationships are easier, all of them. And the other one is, another thought I have on that is sometimes people want to get even with the narcissist, they deserve to be punished or they're doing this illegal thing they should. u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eThey're already living in hell. Remember that, that their self-worth is so low, and they have all this bravado, like you said to kind of cover it up. They're so afraid of being exposed. You would not want to be in that head. So, let go of this idea of payback or getting even, because they're already in an awful place.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e43:04u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSo much energy wasted, it will be painful for you. Okay, let's switch gears; to everyone on here knows that I love assessments around the context of learning more about ourselves taking what resonates. I don't like assessments that are, you're this. So, this means this is who you are, I know you score like that, I think it's up to us to interpret our own results and take and you taught me about an assessment that I had never heard of, tell us.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cstrongu003e[BOSI DNA Assessment discussion]u003c/strongu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI can't believe we are almost an hour, thank you so much. Isn't Paul amazing? Just like even just talking to you now like I just brings me back to all the life coaching work we did together, and it was so huge. You changed my life! You 1,000% change my life and the work we did together was the spark of transitioning Student Maid. And really building a life that I felt in here (pointing to heart) but wasn't quite sure how to make it external. So thank you! I'm sure there are people here who want to stay in touch with you; maybe want to hire Paul as a life coach, so how can people get in touch with you?u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e52:09u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eSame website for the last 15 years it's u003ca href=u0022https://www.confidecoaching.comu0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003ewww.confidecoaching.comu003c/au003e. So u0022confideu0022 like to confide in somebody.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e52:18u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYou'll know you're at the right website. If you see the balloon with the sandbags falling out.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e52:22u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eIt's not there anymore. But I do have a video that explains that I have a video that kind of explains that concept further down on the page.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e52:31u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eOn the page. So, thank you so much.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e52:37u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eI'm honored, really.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e52:40u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYou're just the best and the opportunist in me cannot leave this live without telling you about our latest opportunity. So, we just launched in our u003ca href=u0022https://www.kristenhadeed.com/retreatu0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopeneru0022u003eRu0026amp;R retreatu003c/au003e, which is happening December 9 and inspired by my break weeks, inspired by the break weeks, we started taking as a team inspired by the in person retreats that we had before the pandemic. This is a day to pause, get away from the day to day get away from the noise and really reflect recalibrate, energize your mind re-center just get really clear on how we want to enter a 2022. It's taking place December 9, from 11 to 4 Eastern on zoom. u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eTickets are $149 and because we so appreciate this amazing community that comes to our live every week, we would love to give you 10% off so if you are interested, there's a code live all caps that will give you 10% off your ticket and we would encourage you to secure that soon if you'd like to come just because when we're sold out and we expect it to be a sellout day so hope to see you hope you'll take some Ru0026amp;R with us. Excited to see everyone next Wednesday and Paul, thank you again so much.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003ePaul   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e53:57u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eYou're very welcome. Keep doing what you're doing. You're going to have the best eulogy ever.u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cbu003eKristen   u003c/bu003eu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003e54:03u003c/spanu003ernrnu003cspan style=u0022font-weight: 400;u0022u003eThank you. Okay, bye everyone. Bye Paul. Have a great day.u003c/spanu003ernrnu0026nbsp;rnrnu003cem style=u0022font-size: 16px;u0022u003ep.s. – What’s in the way of your living your best life? u003ca href=u0022https://confidecoaching.satoriapp.com/booku0022 target=u0022_blanku0022 rel=u0022noopener noreferreru0022u003eBook a FREE trial sessionu003c/au003e and let’s have a chat.u003c/emu003ernrnu0026nbsp;r