Finding Your Core Values [VIDEO]

Finding your core values isn’t a simple thing. In this video, Paul and Kristen Hadeed discuss focusing in on core values. The full video of their conversation about their life coaching engagement is at this link.

[VIDEO TRANSCRIPT]:

Inspiration

Kristen:  I remember being just so inspired by the story and, and really being inspired by how you really created the life that you wanted and dreamt of. You followed what was in here and what that caused you to have to do was kind of “blow up” certain parts of your life. You had to leave the marriage, you had to leave the job, you had to have some necessary endings. I think maybe at that time, I felt like there was something that I needed to end, but I wasn’t sure what.

And I didn’t want to go there, because it’s so scary to even begin to think about. This is why, when I heard your story, I thought, “there’s something here, I think I could learn so much from you and I want to do this together. One of the first exercises I remember doing was identifying my own values and I had done this on a company level, but never personally.

 

Where Core Values Matter

We wrote about this in “Permission to Screw Up” identifying our team core values, but I had never really put intention around my own personal values. You gave me an exercise to think about those and to identify what mine were. And then I remember also telling you about Spiros and we talked about relationships, and you asked me, “do you feel that you both embody the same values?”

Or “do you hold the same value on the same things?” Because if not, that’s something that could be really hard later in your marriage and in your in your life. It was such a simple exercise, but really powerful and there were values that I leaned on in the pandemic. How to lead myself; to lead the people around me, so maybe share more of why you start there? And what can someone do if maybe they haven’t identified these values for themselves?

Paul: The reason that I lead with those — beliefs, and then there’s core values — is that if we start with goal setting, and the things that you want to accomplish, and you’re not clear on your values, then they could be the wrong things. So, you could do all of this work and all this planning, and all this effort for something that really isn’t you.  It’s really not as important to you, it’s somebody else’s values and might be your parents values or in your culture, what’s prestigious.

 

Avoiding the Shoulds

And again, it comes back to the shoulds, but the trouble is that the shoulds are screaming in our ears and in our head. And our own voice is like a whisper. Therefore, knowing which is really important when it comes to values, many people can look at a list and think “okay, honesty, integrity, etc.” And they can just kind of go down the list and say “yes, this is important.” Well, no, there’s a handful that are most important to you; that when you have a dilemma, that’s the value that wins.

If you take something like “I promised my kid I was going to go to this important baseball game, and this other really important thing came up at work that is crucial to the advancement of my career.” Well, there’s no correct thing to do in that situation. Objectively there’s no correct thing. But each person, what is the most important thing, what’s going to win out right now? There’s a value there, or you’re making a choice and all a dilemma is, is two values coming crashing into one another.

So, when you have a dilemma, that’s an opportunity to say, if you don’t know your values, you can say, what are the two? What are the two values that I’m struggling with here? Why is this such a dilemma, and why am I having a hard time making a decision? That’s because both things are very important to you. So, you’re starting to uncover what your values are.

 

Core Values Exercise

Kristen:  When we did the exercise, I identified five values and then since we’ve worked together, I’ve continued to think on those five things.  I’ve been able to condense them to two. To help you see what Paul’s talking about here, my two are courage and compassion. And whenever I’m faced with any dilemma, I can’t think of a time where my values haven’t shown me the way.

If I can think about what the most courageous way is to show up here, the most compassionate way to show up here. I know that I will have an answer if I think that way. But sometimes, it’s hard because like you said, they’re so intertwined.

Sometimes the courageous thing to do may hurt somebody else may not make you feel so great, because compassion is another value of mine. I think the hardest dilemmas for me are the ones where it’s going to affect other people. I’ve come to realize that even when something will affect someone, you can still be compassionate in your approach.

Paul:  Sometimes the difficult information, sometimes the difficult conversation, that’s going to hurt somebody is the right thing to do. It’s hard when your core values are up there. But sometimes that is the most compassionate thing to do, it is the hard thing.

 

Taking a Step Back

Kristen:  Yeah, and so I would say if you feel like you’re faced with a decision that you’re having trouble with, don’t make an impulsive decision. Stop, reflect on it. Think about it.

Think about what’s most important to you–what outcome is most important to you? How do you want to show up in this situation? We make better decisions that way. We make decisions that are in line with the integrity with ourselves–when we think about it that way.

Paul:  I like to say when in doubt, do nothing. Because we’re in this “go do it,” take action culture. But sometimes, taking a step back, taking a breather, and reflecting on the action you want helps to focus on the end result. What do I really want? Do nothing for a little bit–it’s okay.

 

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