How to Avoid Being a People Pleaser

Do you go out of your own way to make other people happy? Do you find it hard to say no? If you answered yes, you might be a people pleaser. 

For some people, saying yes is a habit. And this can be debilitating. You’ll never reach your goals or be content if you’re constantly trying to be all things to all people. People pleasers often deal with low self-esteem because they draw their self-worth from the approval of others.

If you’re a people pleaser, you’re probably good at tuning in to what others are feeling. You’re also empathetic, thoughtful, and caring. Here’s how you can use this to your advantage and stop being a people pleaser.

Why Are You A People Pleaser?

Ask yourself this question: “On a scale of 1-10, how important is it for you to be liked?”

There are a number of reasons why you might be engaging in this kind of behavior. But typically, people pleasers suffer from poor self-esteem. Too often, self-esteem is conflated with self-confidence, yet the two are completely different.

Self-esteem is your inner subjective sense of personal worth or value. And it’s defined by certain factors such as identity, self-efficacy, self-confidence, and a sense of belonging. When you draw your sense of self-worth externally, you find yourself constantly trying to get approval and acceptance. You’re putting how you measure your own self-worth into the hands of others (who, of course, you have no control over).

So, the first step to stop being a people pleaser is to build a healthy self-esteem. And this is easier said than done because it entails developing and maintaining healthier emotional habits. Here are two ways to nourish your self-esteem when it is low.

1. Reaffirm your self-worth

Become aware of your thoughts and beliefs and question them. Ask yourself if these beliefs are true. Would you hold a friend to the same standards?

Avoid ‘should’ and ‘must’ statements. If your thoughts follow these patterns, you might be putting unreasonable demands on yourself. Ask yourself why you think you ought to do certain things. It’s important to have realistic expectations of yourself. More importantly, accept yourself. Understand that you are worthy of love and acceptance just the way you are.

2. Establish boundaries

Boundaries are meant to help you help yourself. They are difficult to establish but setting them will make you happy in the long run. Everyone has limits, and it’s important to communicate them. Be clear and specific when it comes to what you’re willing to do for others.

For instance, if someone constantly calls you at work. Inform them when you’re able to talk or explain that you might only be available for a few minutes. Realize that doing too much hurts rather than helps relationships. Setting boundaries ensures your relationships remain mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring.

Tips to Break the Norm of Being a People Pleaser

All things considered, you can’t build a healthy self-esteem in a day. In the interim, here are some tips that can help you stop being such a people pleaser.

1. Realize you have a choice

Other people don’t have unrealistic expectations of yourself; you do. You set the standard on how people treat you. People pleasers typically feel like they don’t have a choice but to say yes; otherwise, people will withdraw their love or affection. Learn to say no, even when it hurts and leads to anxiety. Start small by saying no to small requests and build your way up.

Saying no is an important skill that will help you devote your life, time and energy to the things that really matter to you.

2. Stall

Yes, saying no is important, but you wouldn’t be a people pleaser if this came easy to you. If you have trouble saying no, you can always delay your response. For instance, you can always say, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you in a few.” It’s an excuse that works in almost every situation and buys you some time to make a more informed decision.

By stalling, you can stop your automatic yes response, and it can help you work your way up to saying “no.”

3. Assess the request

When you’ve been a people pleaser for long, people tend to take advantage of your generosity. Are there people who constantly need your help but are never available to return the favor? If it feels like you’re being manipulated, it’s important to set boundaries with those people. In case they don’t respect your limits, then it’s time to let them go. Remember that strong, healthy relationships require reciprocity.

4. Avoid making excuses

Also, avoid making excuses. “No” is response enough, and not wanting to do something is reason enough not to do it. Help when you want to help. You’re not obligated to.

It’s Never Too Late to Live a Free Life!

In order to stop being a people pleaser, it’s important to take some time for self-reflection to determine why you’re so heavily reliant on outside validation. If your personal feeling of security and self-worth is based on how much people like you, then that’s a problem.

Being a people pleaser makes it difficult to pursue your own happiness and live life on your own terms. Remember, you can’t be everything to everyone.

p.s. – Would you like to be more yourself and less concerned about what other people think of you?  Schedule a free call and we’ll see if we’re a fit for working together!