How to Be More Likeable

Sometimes, you’re just not sure if you’re likeable. I’ve had a lot of clients over the years who are successful in most areas of their lives, but seem to be stuck in the social part, or the relationship part.

Many people ask me what to do to find that significant other, to have more friends, or to better connect with business partners or employees, for instance. It ultimately all comes down to better communication.

There are a lot of reasons why you have attracted the people who are in your life into your life. You may have meanings you have put on what a relationship is about and what friendship is. Additionally, there might also be past events you are re-creating that you are “benefitting” from in your current relationships.

Keep in mind that a benefit isn’t always positive. Perhaps you get to be a martyr or a victim, for instance. Perhaps you have a need for people to be disappointed in you. Maybe you identify as a giver and you overwhelm yourself with helping others. It takes a lot of work and a lot of self-observation to uncover these things.

That being said, there are two very simple things you can do right now to start relating to other people better.  They sound simple, but may take a bit of practice.  The good thing is that you can start to apply these two concepts right now.  Today.  With anyone you interact with.

The two things you can start doing are asking and listening.  It’s not as simple as it sounds.  Let’s start with asking.

Asking Open-Ended Questions Makes You More Likeable

Avoid questions that can be answered with one word.  Ask questions that force someone to actually think about how they are going to answer.  Keep them talking.  Use How, What, Tell me more about that, etc.  (The exception here would be using questions beginning with “Why,” as that can be considered confrontational.)

One of the most important things that many people want in this world is to be heard.  They have meaningless conversation about the weather or what they ate for lunch with people all day long.  The key to connecting with others is asking the right kind of questions.

Most of us make the mistake of thinking that we have to say something interesting all the time.  In reality, most people just want to be listened to.

Active Listening Makes You More Likeable

Really listening is easier said than done.  It means you should ask a question (as mentioned above) and wait for the answer.

It’s also important to wait a few moments after someone has finished in case they want to add anything else.  Be comfortable with silence—it’s a message to the other person that you are not just waiting to say the next thing on your mind.

Ask with a tone of true curiosity—follow a question with another question that goes deeper.

When you do this, when you aren’t concerned about just saying stuff, and you ask questions to go deeper, you connect with that person in a way that they may not be connecting with their best friend or family.  The more you ask with curiosity, and the more you listen, the more they like you (though they’re not sure why).  It’s that simple.

Being Truly Interested Makes You More Likeable

Of course, it helps to interact with people you are actually interested in getting to know better.  If you just network with a group because you think they will be good for business, most people can smell a fake.

Associate with groups that align you with things you genuinely love (some type of sport, book club, etc.), and you will meet people with common passions.  The rest will happen naturally.

Be curious.  Ask questions. Listen with mindfulness.  All of your relationships can be deepened.  Enrich your life.