What Really Makes You Angry?

This is one of my favorite life coaching questions: “What really makes you angry?”  It’s direct. It stirs up the still air of politeness of a new relationship. It also gives us a great place to start. Why? Because what really makes you angry has nothing to do with the thing that really makes you angry.

Now I’m not talking about regular anger here. I’m talking about those things that make you feel like you’ve got a volcano inside you and you’re not sure which direction you’re going to explode. You dare anyone to look at you funny. You wait for someone to try and cut you off in traffic.

 

A Little Anger History

Evolutionarily speaking, anger was important to react in a life-threatening situation.  In modern society, however, there are seldom situations that require the adrenaline and increased heart rate needed to run away from a saber-toothed tiger.

In some cases, feeling angry could be appropriate when one feels that an important value is being disrespected or threatened. But in most cases when anger is explosive, it’s what we are hanging on to that drives us over the edge.

 

Is Anger Really Anger?

When one has an intense emotional reaction to something that is out of context (i.e. no one else around you seems to have an increases pulse rate), the emotion is coming from somewhere else.  You have a trigger that is bringing your past into the present. This trigger can be “undone,” and there are many methods to do so if your anger is affecting your work or relationships.

It’s important in that moment to recognize the real emotion.  What is it you are really feeling? Shame?  Embarrassed? Afraid? Threatened? Hurt? Trapped? Out of control? Once you identify which emotion is behind your anger, it will help you to let it go. You will begin to feel as if the display of anger is out of context (because it is).

 

The Turn-Around on Getting Angry

Here’s something to try on:  if people who are (adjective X) really make you angry, ask yourself in what ways you may be seen as being a bit (adjective X).  Ask yourself, “In what ways could I be perceived as (adjective X)?”  Examples:   In what ways could I be perceived as cheap? Selfish? Inconsiderate?  Wasteful?

What do you see from this perspective?  What are you hanging onto that pisses you off?

Instead of getting mad, get curious!