Are you constantly bending over backwards to make everyone else happy, only to find yourself feeling drained and unfulfilled? It’s like you’re walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around people’s feelings, terrified of rocking the boat. But deep down, you’re wondering, “What about me? When do I get to be happy?”
Chronic people pleasing can drain your energy.
I hear you, and I’m here to validate those feelings. It’s totally normal to feel anxious about displeasing others, frustrated by one-sided relationships, and insecure about keeping connections without resorting to people-pleasing.
But guess what? You don’t have to live like this.
In this comprehensive guide, I’ll help you break free from the chains of people-pleasing and embrace authenticity in your relationships. You’ll learn to navigate different relationship contexts, address the emotional impact, and resist the societal pressures that fuel this behavior. And I promise, by the end of this journey, you’ll feel more empowered, confident, and genuine in most, if not all, aspects of your life.
Ready to transform your relationships and live a more fulfilling life? Let’s begin.
A Day in the Life of a Chronic People-Pleaser
In the charming town of Serendipity, there lived a man named Oliver, a chronic people-pleaser with a heart as big as the sun. Oliver’s life was a constant struggle to balance his desire to help others and his own need to care for himself. This is a story about a day in Oliver’s life.
Even though the day is just beginning, Oliver felt burdened with the day ahead.
The morning sun crept through the curtains, rousing Oliver from his restless slumber. As his feet touched the cold wooden floor, the distant sound of his children quarreling over breakfast echoed through the house. Tiredness weighed heavy on his shoulders, but he swallowed his longing for peace and offered to make extra toast with a feigned cheerful smile. His wife’s eyes met his, her concern flickering in their depths, but he brushed it off, fearing the uncomfortable conversation that might ensue.
At work, Oliver was bombarded with requests from colleagues seeking assistance, advice, or simply a friendly ear. Buried beneath an avalanche of tasks, he struggled to breathe, but still, he nodded and agreed, his smile glued to his face as his inner turmoil grew. His boss, ever watchful, seized the opportunity to add even more to Oliver’s plate, knowing that he never says no.
Lunchtime arrived, but just as Oliver was about to dig into his meal, his phone rang. It was Oliver’s father who was planning a garage sale next month and wanted his help for that day. Oliver’s stomach grumbled with hunger, but he pushed it aside–he couldn’t bring himself to say he was busy. He sat there, listening attentively, offering reassurance and support, while his meal lay untouched and growing cold.
Oliver wasn’t crazy about the restaurant, but tried his best to act like it was wonderful.
That evening, Oliver and Lila, his wife, enjoyed a rare date night. She had meticulously planned every detail, but the restaurant she chose was one he secretly hated. Still, he smiled and said it was perfect. As Lila spoke passionately about her work, Oliver remained silent, he didn’t want to spoil the evening with negativity, even though he was yearning to share how he truly felt.
As they walked back home, the gnawing emptiness inside Oliver continued to grow. Standing on their porch, waving goodbye to the babysitter, Lila noticed the sadness in his eyes.
“Oliver, are you okay?” she asked, her voice tinged with genuine concern. For a moment, Oliver hesitated, but then, he made a choice.
“No, Lila, I’m not,” he admitted, his voice trembling with vulnerability. He just couldn’t hide behind the “nice guy” mask anymore. At that moment, Oliver understood that he needed to redefine his life, learn to set boundaries, and be honest with himself, those around him, and the people he loves and cares for (and enables) the most. He needed to do this if he truly wanted to be happy.
The journey wouldn’t be easy, but it was one that Oliver had to take. For once, he chose to open up and share his feelings despite the inner pull to always be nice, stay silent, and not bother others. And this marked the beginning of a new chapter in his life.
Understanding People-Pleasing: A Comprehensive Look at Its Origins and Impact
Research indicates that most people-pleasing behaviors are be rooted in early childhood experiences.
To fully comprehend people-pleasing, it’s essential to identify the motivations behind this behavior.
- People-pleasing is the tendency to prioritize others’ needs over our own, often driven by a need for approval or a desire to avoid conflict (1).
- At its core, people-pleasing stems from deep-seated fears of rejection, a need for external validation, and a desire to maintain harmony in relationships (2).
Contributing factors to people-pleasing may include:
- Low self-esteem
- A history of rejection or criticism
- The belief that our self-worth depends on others’ opinions
Overcoming people-pleasing is a challenging process, as it often requires confronting ingrained beliefs and patterns. Psychological research indicates that people-pleasing behaviors can be rooted in early childhood experiences, such as receiving praise for prioritizing others’ needs, which can reinforce these behaviors over time through social conditioning (3).
While people-pleasing may appear to be an act of kindness or generosity, it can result in:
- Neglecting our own needs
- Harboring resentment
- Losing our sense of self
People-pleasing can manifest in various areas of our lives, both personal and professional, with significant consequences on our well-being and relationships.
- Constantly putting others’ needs first can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion.
- Suppressing our own needs may cause resentment and frustration.
- In relationships, people-pleasing can create one-sided dynamics where personal boundaries are compromised, potentially leaving us vulnerable to manipulation or mistreatment.
In the following section, “People-Pleasing in Relationships and Work,” we will examine how people-pleasing presents itself in different contexts and provide practical strategies to help you overcome this behavior. By doing so, you can cultivate more authentic and fulfilling connections in your work and personal life.
People-Pleasing in Relationships and Work
People-Pleasing In Romantic Relationships: The True Cost Of Hiding Yourself
Ever felt like you’re wearing a mask in your romantic relationship, hiding your true self to keep the peace? You’re not alone. Many of us are driven by a fear of rejection, so we create a persona designed to please our partners, rather than embracing our authentic selves.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and author of “Daring Greatly,” explains that “we often try to be who we think others want us to be, instead of showing up as our authentic selves” (4). Over time, this strategy leaves us feeling trapped, resentful, and disconnected.
So, what does people-pleasing look like in love? It might mean:
- Brushing off your partner’s actions that bother you, rather than addressing the issue and making clear requests.
- Dodging difficult conversations and hiding your true feelings.
- Holding back from saying things that might hurt others, like ending a relationship that isn’t working.
- Feeling guilty or selfish when prioritizing your own needs.
While it’s challenging to overcome these behaviors, ignoring them can lead to emotional distance, decreased satisfaction, and a loss of personal identity. So, how can we cultivate healthier, more authentic relationships?
- Reflect on your beliefs
Take a moment to examine your beliefs about what’s acceptable in a relationship. Do you think only certain emotions should be expressed? Is vulnerability a sign of weakness? By identifying and challenging these limiting beliefs, you’ll pave the way to a more authentic connection.
For instance, if you believe that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, challenge this limiting belief by recalling a situation where someone you admire opened up about their feelings or insecurities. Reflect on how their vulnerability brought you closer and deepened your connection. Recognizing the positive impact of vulnerability can help shift your perspective and pave the way to real connection in your relationships.
- Practice self-awareness
To show your true self, you first need to know your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Reflect on how you feel after difficult interactions with your partner. If you’re drained, frustrated, or upset, chances are you held something back. Determine how you withheld your thoughts and feelings, then imagine what you would have done if you were holding nothing back (5). Pay attention to the movie that played in your own mind as you imagined yourself being open and honest. Once you have a better idea of what it looks and feels like to be your true self, practice it in your everyday interactions. This may mean speaking up when you normally wouldn’t or expressing your opinion when it differs from your partner’s. It may be awkward at first – strive for practicing new ways of communicating, no for perfection.
- Be honest with yourself
Get real about your wants, needs, and desires. This means being upfront about what you want from a relationship and what you’re willing to give. Without this clarity, it’s tough to create an authentic, trusting partnership. Try journaling. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you gain clarity and self-awareness.
- Take small steps
Begin by revealing your true self in small ways, like sharing an opinion or expressing your feelings about something that bothers you. Gradually, you can work up to discussing more vulnerable aspects of yourself, such as your fears, insecurities, and struggles. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to avoid sounding accusatory or confrontational. For example, try saying, “I feel hurt when you cancel plans without telling me” instead of “You always cancel plans at the last minute. You don’t care about me.”
Practical Exercise: Journal Prompt
Reflect on a recent situation where you engaged in people-pleasing behavior in your romantic relationship. Follow these steps to help guide your reflection:
- Journaling is one of the best habits to have for personal development.Describe the situation: Write down the specific details of the incident, including the people involved, the location, and what transpired. Be as detailed as possible to paint a clear picture of the event.
- Identify your thoughts and feelings: Take note of the thoughts and emotions you experienced during the situation. Were you anxious, fearful, or guilty? What thoughts led to these emotions? For example, did you worry about disappointing your partner or fear their reaction if you were honest?
- Analyze your motivations: Consider why you chose to engage in people-pleasing behavior. What underlying beliefs or fears may have driven your actions? For instance, were you seeking approval or validation, trying to avoid conflict, or attempting to maintain harmony in the relationship?
- Assess the consequences: Think about the immediate and long-term consequences of your actions, both for yourself and your relationship. Did your people-pleasing behavior lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, or a loss of self-identity? How did it impact your connection with your partner?
- Develop an alternative response: Imagine how you could have responded differently in the situation, prioritizing your needs and authentic feelings. Write down a possible alternative response (or multiple responses) that would have allowed you to express yourself honestly and set healthy boundaries.
- Set an intention for the future: Based on your reflection, set an intention for how you’d like to approach similar situations in the future. This might involve being more assertive, expressing your emotions openly, or seeking support from friends or a life coach to help you navigate your people-pleasing tendencies.
By thoroughly examining your people-pleasing behavior in your romantic relationship, you’ll gain valuable insights into your patterns, motivations, and emotions, empowering you to make healthier choices and foster a more authentic connection with your partner.
People-Pleasing In Friendships: Finding Balance And Authenticity
It’s natural to want to fit in with your friends and social circles. Remember, as social animals, we’re wired to seek acceptance and avoid rejection. While it’s true that we no longer depend on group acceptance for survival, our minds still perceive social exclusion as a threat. This fear can lead us to say “yes” when we really want to say “no” just to keep the peace.
It’s natural to want to fit in with your friends and social circles.
But constantly pleasing others at your own expense isn’t a recipe for genuine, balanced friendships. Typical people-pleasing behaviors include:
- Agreeing to plans or activities you don’t want to do.
- Saying “yes” to requests and favors when you’re already stretched too thin.
- Feeling guilty if you can’t meet someone’s (real or perceived) expectations.
- Giving up your own plans to accommodate others.
- Prioritizing others’ happiness over your own.
Breaking this pattern means setting healthy boundaries, identifying your priorities, and owning your right to say no. Here’s how to build more authentic, balanced friendships:
- Identify your priorities
Get clear on your values and what matters most to you. By understanding your priorities, you can more easily say no to anything misaligned with your goals. As Paulo Coelho wisely said, “When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”
- Own your right to say no
Learn to say no instead of “maybe” or “I don’t know” when you’re not interested. Practice responses like, “I have plans that day, but thank you for thinking of me,” or a simple, “I won’t be able to make it.” This way, you won’t leave room for persuasion.
- Set boundaries with friends
Establish healthy boundaries by setting time limits. For example, if a friend loves lengthy chats, let them know upfront that you only have a few minutes to talk. Time blocking isn’t just for productivity; it’s also a polite way to end a conversation when you need to move on without appearing rude.
Practical Exercise: Self-Assessment Questionnaire for Friendships
Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 for each behavior listed below, with 1 being “never” and 10 being “always.” This exercise will help you identify areas where you may need to set clearer boundaries or work on saying no in your friendships.
- Agreeing to attend events or activities that you don’t want to do.
- Saying “yes” to favors when you’re already stretched thin.
- Feeling guilty that you may let someone down.
- Foregoing your own plans to accommodate others.
- Prioritizing others’ comfort or happiness over your own.
After completing the questionnaire, take a moment to reflect on your responses. Identify the behaviors with the highest scores, as these may indicate areas where you need to work on setting boundaries and saying no. Consider the following strategies to help you make improvements in these areas:
- Practice assertive communication when expressing your preferences or declining invitations.
- Set time limits for social interactions or conversations, particularly with friends who tend to overstay their welcome. An example of using assertive communication while setting time limits with friends could be saying: “I’d love to catch up, but I only have 30 minutes to chat today. Let’s make the most of our time together.”
- Reevaluate your priorities and values to ensure that you are making decisions that align with your personal goals and well-being. Spend an afternoon reflecting on your values and goals, and create a list of priorities. Use this list to guide your decisions and help you say “no” to activities or requests that don’t align with what truly matters to you.
- Develop a support system of friends or family members who understand your people-pleasing tendencies and can offer encouragement and advice as you work to overcome them.
People-Pleasing In Family Dynamics: Establishing Boundaries And Authenticity
Families play a crucial role in shaping our values and behaviors. From a young age, we learn to follow family rules and seek approval from our loved ones. However, as adults, our need to please can sometimes undermine our own well-being and priorities.
Common people-pleasing behaviors in family relationships include:
- Feeling guilt and shame for saying “no”
- Struggling to set boundaries, leading to interference from family members
- Accepting unsolicited advice despite feeling resentful or disrespected
- Helping or supporting family members at the expense of your own well-being
- Apologizing excessively or taking responsibility for situations beyond your control
To overcome people-pleasing tendencies within your family, try these strategies:
- Realize that you have a choice
You’re not obligated to fulfill every family request or attend every event. Learn to say no and set boundaries that respect your plans and priorities. Dr. Karyl McBride emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, stating, “Boundaries are key to healthy relationships and a healthy life” (6). When declining an invitation, acknowledge the effort, be honest about your feelings, offer an alternative, and express your appreciation.
- Limit personal information
Avoid sharing too much with family members who may use that information to offer unsolicited advice or negative opinions and criticism. Establish boundaries by letting them know which topics you prefer not to discuss.
- Be assertive
Stand your ground and calmly express your feelings and needs without being aggressive. For example, say, “I understand you’re curious, and I prefer to keep that part of my life private. Thank you for being so respectful and supportive.”
- Create a support system
Having friends or family members who understand your situation can provide emotional support, encouragement, and understanding. However, it’s essential to also seek unbiased perspectives to get to the root cause of your people-pleasing behavior.
- Get professional help
Turning to a life coach or therapist can be highly beneficial when addressing people-pleasing in family dynamics, offering several key advantages over seeking help from friends or family members. Professionals provide an objective perspective, giving unbiased insights into emotional and behavioral issues while drawing from their expertise in the field. Engaging with a life coach or therapist also ensures a safe and confidential environment, allowing for open discussions without the fear of judgment. These professionals help you stay accountable for your progress and growth, offering ongoing support tailored to your unique needs, goals, and personality. This customized approach leads to a personalized action plan designed for lasting change.
Practical Exercise: Visualization Technique
- Find a quiet space where you can relax and focus. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths to calm your mind.
- Envision a specific scenario in which your mother (or other family member) oversteps your boundaries or makes an unreasonable request. For example, imagine your mother insisting on giving unsolicited advice about your parenting style, even though you’ve expressed your desire for autonomy.
- In your visualization, picture yourself taking a moment to compose your thoughts and emotions before responding. Feel the confidence within you and acknowledge your right to set boundaries.
- Now, visualize yourself responding assertively and calmly while maintaining respect and empathy. You might say something like, “Mom, I appreciate your concern and the fact that you want to help, and I’m confident I can make my own decisions regarding how I raise my child. I’ll be sure to ask for your advice if I feel the need. Thank you for understanding.”
- Pay attention to your body language in the visualization. Imagine standing or sitting upright, making eye contact, and using a calm, steady voice.
- Observe your mother’s reaction in your visualization. Even if her response is negative or defensive, continue to hold your ground and maintain your boundaries with respect and empathy.
- Once you’ve completed the visualization, take a few more deep breaths and open your eyes. Reflect on the exercise and how it felt to assertively set boundaries. Consider practicing this technique with different scenarios to build your confidence in real-life situations.
Excessive people-pleasing at work can contribute to burnout, stress, and diminished job satisfaction. Some common behaviors include:
- Overcommitting: Taking on excessive work, which can result in burnout and missed deadlines, such as agreeing to complete multiple projects with conflicting timelines.
- Avoiding conflict: Allowing unresolved issues to persist, hindering progress in addressing workplace challenges, instead of seeking clarification for misunderstandings.
- Seeking constant validation: This behavior can harm self-esteem and amplify the fear of making mistakes. It often manifests as seeking reassurance after completed tasks and interpreting even minor criticism as a sign of failure. This mindset can lead to a reluctance to take risks, diminished confidence in one’s abilities, and an overreliance on external validation, prioritizing pleasing others over pursuing personal goals and values.
- Suppressing opinions or ideas: Failing to contribute to innovation and collaboration by remaining silent during brainstorming sessions due to fear of judgment. You are doubting your perspective and your value and perceive others as more qualified and knowledgeable because they appear more confident than you.
Being too agreeable or lacking boundaries at work can leave you with a heavier workload.
Even leaders can fall prey to people-pleasing tendencies, as they may feel responsible for their team’s emotional well-being. While effective leadership involves demonstrating empathy and consideration, it is crucial to avoid overstepping by attempting to fix every problem. To strike a balance, leaders should pose open-ended questions such as, “What challenges are you currently facing?” or “What are your thoughts on this situation?” By actively listening and engaging in meaningful dialogue, leaders can foster understanding, express empathy, and maintain healthy boundaries.
Strategies to overcome people-pleasing in professional settings:
- Build self-awareness
Identify triggers and delay responses to evaluate requests and make intentional decisions, such as pausing before committing to another task or checking your schedule before agreeing to a meeting.
- Challenge assumptions
Examine self-imposed rules and question if they are necessary or limiting growth, like reevaluating the need to attend all after-work events or considering alternative ways to build relationships.
- Develop emotional intelligence
Practice mindfulness and self-reflection to respond effectively and assertively, by noticing how certain requests trigger anxiety or stress and managing your emotions accordingly.
- Communicate effectively
Express needs and boundaries clearly, with honesty and respect, such as tactfully declining extra work when already at capacity or suggesting alternative solutions that align with your priorities.
- Embrace difficult conversations
Practice active listening, empathy, and assertiveness to handle objections and disagreements, like addressing performance issues with a team member or discussing concerns about project timelines.
Practical Exercise: Role-Play Scenarios
Work with a life coach, a trusted friend, or a colleague to practice role-play scenarios related to people-pleasing in the workplace. Create a few situations where you might typically engage in people-pleasing behavior, such as taking on extra work, agreeing with an idea you don’t believe in, or avoiding a challenging conversation.
For each scenario, practice assertively communicating your boundaries and needs. Your partner can provide feedback on your tone, body language, and the effectiveness of your response. By practicing in a safe environment, you’ll build confidence and become more comfortable addressing people-pleasing tendencies in real workplace situations.
Overcoming People-Pleasing: Essential Books and Resources for Authentic Living
Embarking on your journey to overcome people-pleasing and cultivate authenticity in your relationships and work can be transformative. Having the right resources truly makes a difference. However, I understand that tackling complex issues like people-pleasing can sometimes be difficult to do on your own.
That’s why, along with providing you with this carefully curated list of essential books and resources, I’d also like to extend an invitation for a complimentary life-coaching trial session with me. This session offers an opportunity to explore personalized support in your journey toward self-discovery and personal growth.
Now, let’s dive into this list of essential books and resources for authentic living.
- “The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome” by Harriet B. Braiker
A comprehensive guide to understanding and overcoming people-pleasing, offering practical strategies for setting boundaries, building self-esteem, and embracing authenticity.
- “Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself” by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
Dr. Gazipura provides a step-by-step guide to help readers break free from people-pleasing behaviors and develop assertiveness, confidence, and authentic self-expression.
- “The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships” by Dr. Harriet Lerner
This groundbreaking book explores the role of anger in relationships and provides tools for transforming people-pleasing patterns into healthy, assertive communication.
- “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by Dr. Brené Brown
Dr. Brown shares her research on vulnerability, shame, and worthiness, guiding readers to cultivate self-compassion and embrace their authentic selves.
- “The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships” by Randy J. Paterson
This practical workbook offers techniques for developing assertiveness and overcoming people-pleasing, enabling readers to effectively communicate their needs and set healthy boundaries.
- “The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say it and Mean it―and Stop People-Pleasing Forever” by Dr. Susan Newman
Dr. Newman provides 365 actionable ways to say no and prioritize your own needs, helping you break free from people-pleasing behaviors and regain control of your life.
- “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie
This classic book on codependency offers guidance for breaking free from unhealthy relationship patterns, including people-pleasing behaviors and cultivating self-care and autonomy.
- “Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha” by Tara Brach
A blend of Western psychology and Eastern spiritual practices, this book encourages self-acceptance and compassion, helping readers let go of people-pleasing tendencies and embrace authenticity.
- “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Dr. Kristin Neff
Dr. Neff explores the importance of self-compassion in overcoming people-pleasing, offering exercises and techniques for cultivating kindness towards oneself and building resilience.
Embracing Your Authentic Self: A New Chapter Begins
Embracing who you are is about liking the person in the mirror, and letting go of what you think others think of you.
I know that breaking free from people-pleasing can feel like a daunting task. You might be worried about how others will react, or if your relationships will crumble when you start saying no more often.
But think about all the energy you’ve poured into making others happy, often at the expense of your own well-being. Imagine turning that same energy into growing yourself, cultivating healthier relationships, and experiencing true emotional freedom. Sounds life-changing, right?
As you embark on this journey, remember that the insights and strategies shared in this guide are here to support you every step of the way. You’ve got the tools to break free from people-pleasing in your relationships and work, set healthy boundaries, and build your self-esteem. And the best part? You’ll be doing it all while staying true to who you really are.
So, take a deep breath, and get ready to embrace the authentic, empowered version of yourself that’s been waiting to show. The road ahead might be challenging, but the rewards are truly life-changing. You’ve got this, and I’m cheering you on every step of the way!
Now go on, step into your power, and transform your life!
Paul Strobl, MBA, CPC
Owner of Confide Coaching, LLC
Paul is a Master Life Coach for individuals, executives and business owners. Originally from Houston, Texas, he has been location independent for most of his adult life. He currently resides in the Rhodope Mountains of Bulgaria near the Greek border with his brilliant wife, 13-year-old stepson (officially adopted in 2021!) and a Posavac Hound rescue.
References:
- People-pleasing is the tendency to prioritize others’ needs over our own, often driven by a need for approval or a desire to avoid conflict. According to Dr. Harriet B. Braiker, a renowned clinical psychologist and author of “The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome,” this behavior stems from deeply ingrained patterns that can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion, as well as strained relationships.
- People-Pleasing. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/people-pleasing
- Seltzer, L. F. Ph.D. 2008, From Parent-Pleasing to People-Pleasing (Part 2 of 3), Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/evolution-of-the-self/200807/from-parent-pleasing-to-people-pleasing-part-2-of-3
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
- Gazipura, A. (2017). Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself. Center for Social Confidence.
- McBride, K. (2008). Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Atria Books.
