The Work of Byron Katie: A Path to Acceptance

The Work of Byron Katie is a deceptively simple method that aims to reduce or eliminate all the suffering in our lives. Before you think, ‘oh, I don’t suffer that much, it’s just the little things’—I hear you, and—it works for the little things too. Little things like:

That person that doesn’t respond to your email no matter how many reminders you send.

That tone of voice your spouse uses when he or she is in ‘that mood’.

Why did Walter White have to go out like that!?

That bad investment keeping you up at night.

That text from a family member that sent your emotions into a spiral.

That last episode of Breaking Bad.

Every one of these is just a story.

People have done the Work on everything from feeling irritated because someone took their parking spot to not getting a raise to loss of intimacy from a lover. They’ve looked at things in their personal lives–like their kids wanting to play with the iPad instead of doing their homework—as well as big, global issues like COVID-19 vaccination, the war in Ukraine, or why the Houston Texans can’t win an AFC Championship.

It’s hard to practice acceptance when you’re a Houston Texans fan.

For Byron Katie, an American author whose life changed dramatically in 1986 while sprawled on the attic floor of a halfway house, that’s because all pain reduces to the same thing: unexamined thoughts. She addresses this by applying four questions to every stressful thought, a method that grew out of her 1986 epiphany. Byron Katie’s method is unique in that it uses awareness to respond to stressful beliefs instead of lineal, logic-based approaches offered by cognitive-behavioral models.

Evidence of Byron Katie’s Effectiveness in Human Studies

But don’t take my word for it. Her method’s been put to the test. A clinical trial documented ‘significant positive changes’ in happiness levels, perceived quality of life, depression, anxiety and anger expression in people practicing the Work of Byron Katie, while another study on teacher burnout found that inquiry-based work significantly reduced symptoms.

Improvements in well-being, life satisfaction, and self-esteem were positively demonstrated in another clinical trial on the Work of Byron Katie. Even personal development sales guru Tony Robbins actively promotes her work on his site.

Before You Scroll Down to the Method of ‘The Work’

Wait. This method assumes one fundamental tenet—that you are not your thoughts. There is very clear evidence for this: you can observe them. If you listen to music, often you will feel emotions connected to the music or its lyrics, but at the same time you might start thinking about what to have for dinner. Who, then, is listening to the music?

A similar thing occurs with the mental debates that go on inside us:

‘Oh, I should call her back.

No, I shouldn’t, she’s going to chew me out.

Yeah, but I should call her. It’s the right thing to do.

No, I need to set boundaries and calling her breaks every one of them.’

In this imaginary mental debate, who are you? Which part is you? Anyone who has experienced indecision knows this is not an easy question to answer.

You are neither of them, according to Byron Katie. Instead, you are the listener; the human being observer of a phenomenon she calls ego.

What is ego?

For the purposes of this method, ego is false identification—i.e., when we think we are our stressful thoughts. When we believe them with absolute, militant certainty. When we’re convinced that we’re right and everyone else is wrong. But we don’t just identify with these thoughts when we believe them, we also feel their impact–physically and emotionally. For Byron Katie, that is simple cause and effect. Thoughts are the cause, feelings the effect.

That is why she deals with the cause: thought. This is not a new idea, but it is a new way of getting there. To quote ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, “If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”

The Four Questions of Inquiry

What you need for this method: a pen, a paper, and a clear intention. Intention plays a critical role in answering the four questions. Byron Katie’s work encourages people to use these questions to find the truth of who they are, versus trying to ‘get rid of stress’ or ‘stop feeling crappy.’ When you do the Work with an agenda of any kind, it is less effective. The key here is the search for truth, for your truth. Speaking for myself, this has taken me a long way.

Question 1: Is it true?

This first step is arguably the most challenging question of the four, because the ego will scream its answer. Stillness, here, is paramount. Listen to what the voice in your head, so charged with emotion, is saying (or shouting) about the specific situation. Thank it for sharing. Then ask the question, and look again. You might have to sit for a while with this question—it can take time for the waters to clear. Take a deep breath. There’s no hurry. Allow things to arise that may not have had space before.

Then, answer the question. What may feel most true to you may still be, even upon reflection, your first reaction. That’s okay. There is no right or wrong answer here. What matters is taking the time to answer the question from your deepest possible access point.

Question 2: Do I have absolute certainty it’s true?

This way of asking the same question can allow us to see something we hadn’t before.

This book has been life-changing for many.

Question 3: How do I react, what happens, when I believe this thought?

This question takes us to bodily sensations—even the most subtle—what do you feel when you believe this thought, and where do you feel it? Try to be as specific as possible. Doing so will set a somatic ‘alarm’ for the next time you believe this thought, helping you see what’s happening more quickly.

Then look at the mental images that you see. Images often accompany stressful thoughts and sometimes refers to them as ‘the movie’. Bring your belief to mind and note any images of the past or images of the future that arise as ‘proof’ of your belief. Simply notice that these images are of the not-now.

Finally, watch yourself believing this thought from the perspective of a close loved one or a friend. What is your facial expression or tone of voice or body language? How do you treat people? Be honest with yourself. See yourself through their eyes, watch yourself—sometimes it can be excruciating or scary, but it is never unenlightening.

Question 4: Who would you be without this thought?

This is a powerful question. If you find this difficult to access, try going back to a very young age–before such a thought could possibly have occurred to you or before you had certain information. Experience it from there.

Be aware that the ego will resist this step because it breaks identification. It is normal to sense some inner defiance. If you sense a lot of resistance, treat it like you would a toddler-aged child: listen, and thank it for sharing. Acknowledge it with gratitude. The ego is simply trying to evolve—like other forms of life on this planet—and its form of survival is mind-identification. Byron Katie suggests that you invite it into your heart and give it a home there instead. Then return to experiencing yourself without that thought. With practice, the ego learns to trust the inquiry.

Inversions of The Work

Turnarounds teach you how to live without that thought. A turnaround is not necessarily true or more true than the original thought. Byron Katie uses the analogy of trying new clothes on—does this fit? How does it feel? This is the best way to work with turnarounds. Let’s look at the example thought ‘I want my boss to give me a raise.’

Turn it around for new perspectives.

First, look at the opposite: ‘I don’t want my boss to give me a raise.’ How might that be as true or truer than the original thought?

Second, turn it around to yourself: ‘I want me to give me a raise.’ How might that be as true or truer than the original thought? If you’ve ever worked in sales, you know this means to stop procrastinating.

Then turn it around to the other person: ‘I want to give my boss a raise.(…in my mind-perhaps give my boss a little more respect?)’ Is that more true? How might that be as true or truer than the original thought?

This exploration balances the mind. It can also produce some deep transformations

The Four Questions, Stacked

For those in a particularly sticky or challenging situation–or those of us sick of suffering repeatedly over the same thing–Byron Katie has ‘stacked’ the four questions in such a way that it covers the six-prong identification strategy used by the ego. This Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet has six simple questions on it and it is free to download.

Once you fill it out, you apply the four questions to those six beliefs. Byron Katie says the ego repeats those beliefs ad infinitum on whatever subject it can get its hands on, so this is a way of addressing all points of potential suffering on an issue. It is the deep dive. Because this method is so profound, it can be helpful to be accompanied. Walking through the process with an experienced life coach familiar with Katie’s work can accelerate a more peaceful outcome.

The Work of Byron Katie in Daily Life

The Work of Byron Katie is a practice. Practicing inquiry is not one of those things you just do once—it is a way of continually meeting your own mind without losing yourself in it.

This is why Byron Katie encourages people to do the Work on other people instead of beliefs about themselves. The reason for this is beliefs about the self are too close to home. The ego will happily dish out judgment about a friend or neighbor and cooperate in the process of inquiry, but when it comes to self-judgment it has more tools at its disposal. If there isn’t enough disidentification, the ego can and will use the Work for its own ends. The way to know if that is happening is simple—you will experience more angst, not less.

That doesn’t mean you never work on yourself: quite the opposite. To the extent that you work your stories about other people—including the world, systems, institutions, Game of Thrones characters—your beliefs about yourself will shift. But the fastest way to get there is with a cooperative ego, and the ego is most cooperative judging things outside itself.

Done in a true spirit of inquiry, the Work will give you a life of less suffering and more inner space, but ultimately, what it offers is peace. When there is peace within us, there is peace in our world.

Isn’t that something we all want?

p.s. – What are you waiting for? Book a free trial session and we’ll see if we’re a fit for working together.